i feel like i got hit by a 2x4

...and it's a good thing.

this tale starts about 4-6 years ago (i'd give you a better time frame but that part of my life runs together like a milky, hazy, strange chaos so this is the best i can do for you) i started going to church. i had fallen off the deep end, or backslid as it is also known, and it was scaring the poo out of me. with no real intention of it being any good, i went. i actually liked it. the pastor met me at the double doors and with a friendly smile stated that he hadn't seen me in a while and hoped i wasn't into any trouble. i chuckled nervously and said something cheesy like "you know it!". my smile faded as i got into the auditorium and thought to myself how this guy must be a mind reader!

i made it through the service alive and thought nothing of it again until one of my friends invited me to a concert he was putting on. it happened to be at the same church, so i went out of obligation. i sat on the back row and congratulated my friend when he was finished. he introduced me to some friends of his and we all hit it off instantly. soon we were bff’s hanging out almost everyday. i had never met people like this. they seemed so real. they told me stories of past lives and reformations. drugs, sex, cars, alcohol, near-death experiences and a new life for the better. it almost seemed like these kids were too good to be true. they encouraged me to keep going to church with them. so i did. not because i got anything out of it, but because i was intrigued.

one night i’ll never forget, we had decided to go up to the mountains and hang out. we finally found a spot, started a fire and started talking. i remember the topic moved to GOD very quickly. i don’t remember much, but i know that someone asked me something and i freaked out and shut down. they kept pressing and tried to get me to open up. truth was i had nothing to say. no foundation, no “relationship”, no understanding. they were talking about something trivial like calvinism vs armenianism and here i was asking in my head: is there even a GOD??

after that night everything changed. i kept putting up walls to hide behind. i had played the “good christian” kid so they thought i was one. they began to critique the way i lived. they thought they were doing a service to me as a part of my “family” but i felt judged. they pulled out verse after verse from the bible and began getting all spiritual and i just couldn’t comprehend it. i started to hate them. soon after i stopped going to church and started drinking again. i felt the bar was a better fit for me; no one asked me any questions there, no one cared what i did or didn’t do, no one ever said i wasn’t good enough and no one ever asked about GOD.

lets pick up the story again at the present day. where were we??

ah yes. i feel like i have been hit by a 2x4.

that’s it precisely.

for years i have been hurt by those kids, i have hated them and the church because they “judged” me. i held over their heads they were the reason for my own downfall. “oh if they had treated me better, then i wouldn’t have found my rock-bottom” i used to say. well, yesterday i had plenty of time to think. i was alone, painting an apartment. it was quiet, except for the gale force winds that were rushing through my head. i felt that if my torrential thoughts fell any faster i might have made it to the insane asylum that night. during the hurricane of reasoning i came across the aforementioned memory.

now if you have ever been in a huge storm right in the center is what is called the “eye of the storm” this was where everything around you is black, thick walls of moving cloud, but where you are is completely still. there is a sense of false peace. depending on how massive the storm is how long your peace lasts. my peace was about seven minutes.

after my seven minutes of peace, a dead weight began to grow in my stomach. i was hit with the reality that i have become that person that i hated for so long. i am the one who assumes i know who you are and pushes you to be something you might not be ready for. i ask questions, but the ones that shut you down, not the ones that help you grow. i am the very thing that made me walk away those 4-6 years ago.

in the hurricane of my soul, the realizations hit over and over, my nievety and uncoordinated efforts at DOING again are taking over. this is not how this story is supposed to go. there is one thing, and one thing alone that i have learned thus far: I CAN DO NOTHING!! anytime i step in and try to take on others burdens or fix a situation or console a bleeding heart i tend to cause more damage than healing.

a 2x4 does a lot of damage, so does a tropical storm. i have found solace. the storm has moved on. yet here am i once again changed. once again in the midst of transition. my head hurts, but so much better now than in 35+ years when i have done more damage than i can undo.

my apologies to all.
i am praying for compassion.