my love language is...

i went to bed and tried to sleep.
this is impossible as my entire life keeps flashing before me.
not in a bad way,
this is a breakthrough.

one that i cannot contain.

i recently have unearthed two lies that i believe about myself.
one. i am too much.
two. i am not worth it.

these lies have been with me since the dawn of my existence.
i have, until tonight, had no idea where they stemmed from.

i got into a conversation the other day with the pruitts about love.
as always this convo turned into the five love languages.
we were trying t explain it to zach and it made my reasoning turn inward.
what is my love language?
i stopped before i let my presets out.
i took a deep breath and found my answer:
i have no idea.

i know that i am a creeper and will find out every one's love language so that i can love them.

but.
i.
don't.
know.
my.
own.

again my lies are obvious in this...
i believe that i am to much when i love people,
i believe that i am not worth love.

since that day i have been reading the 5 love languages book and although it is geared toward marriage, i have been trying to glean as much info and insight as i possibly can.

the first thing i noted was that children who have had traumatic pasts will repress their love language if they were not able to "speak it".
the second thing i saw, was that the first chapter (words of affirmation) meant absolutely nothing to me.
weird because i have said that my love language is words of affirmation, since i heard about this whole love language thing.

last night my heart felt something for the first time in a long time, when i got to what i call the "being" chapter.
today i found the way i receive love.
i am quality time.
i have always felt that this was a burden to those around me because it caused them to actually look up from their newspaper to see me, or to turn the tv off to be with me, or stop washing the dishes and listen to me.
i have never felt secure in this because it requires a LOT of work from those around me. it also makes people uncomfortable. everyone i know loves to be busy. being quality time with me, requires them to stop.

i felt that this was to much to ask for.
so i believed that i was to much.

this is an easy segway into the reason i am so adept at finding out how to love you.
my logical way of reasoning thought that, if my love language requires you to move mountains to love me, then maybe if i love you the way you receive it, you will do the same for me.

nine times out of ten, i loved you, and you never even saw me.
nine times out of ten, i bent over backwards, and you never gave an inch.
nine times out of ten when you received, you never gave back.

nine times out of ten my heart was broken.

so i am trying to go to sleep, but my life is flashing before my eyes.
i am gaining so much understanding about my past, present and future relationships.
i am gaining insight on why my heart is stone cold towards my earthly father.
i am realizing why it is so hard to trust my heavenly father.
(how can you receive love from GOD if you can't receive love from anyone?)
i am seeing why i hate to do hair.
i am listening to my heartbeat.
i am learning that i am not to much.
i am feeling that i might just be worth it.

i am learning how to be loved.

this is going to be quite a journey.
healing is at hand.
joy will come.
oh bless, this is so exciting!!!!!