I am Unable, but if I had a Boat I'd Sail to You

I am unable and this is killing my pride, my drive and my purpose in your life. 

I am sick, and have been for a bit. I am physically challenged by the hurdles my body is putting me through. I barely have enough resolve to get up in the morning.

And yet, people are blowing up my phone. Not in a "do you need some chicken soup?" kind of way. But more in the sense of “why can you not help me…still?" kind of way. Through this I am seeing that I have done a very good job of making myself needed in other peoples lives. I believe that this is out of fear. I do not want to be alone. I easily believe the lie that If people need me they will call me. If they don’t need me then I am not worth their time. At this moment, I just need to be. I cannot help. I cannot hold anyone up and I definitely cannot muster up the stamina for hours of listening to others hard times.

Truth: This season is so good for my soul. I am not God, yet have I tried to be for others? I am not God, yet have I tried to be in my own life? As I continue to pair down my life and continue to say no (quite repetitively and usually with tears in my eyes), I am realizing that this moment is not about them. God is doing a work in me, and I can’t get in the way of it. Yes, I love people, yes, I love to help them, but how can I do that well if I am not ok? Instead of responding in love all I can do in this moment is be sad and spiteful.

The heart of man is dark and just like the silver refining process it takes a lot of heat to bring out and separate the evil from the good. A silversmith will place a blob of a mix of metals and rocks onto a large spoon, place it in a hot fire to melt it down. He then pulls it out and rising to the surface are the “impurities”. How many times does this happen? Until he sees his own reflection in the silver, not one spec of the contaminate can remain. As I am in a season of hot fire, melting down, some impurities are rising to the surface. This is a good thing. Maybe I’m not the “happiest” to be around right now, but in this moment I see that God is good and that he is doing good in my life.

God brings joy, but I do not believe that happy and joyful are synonymous. 

I will not sit here and laugh away the hurt. I will not push away the feelings that this brings up. I will not pretend this is easy. 

I will get up in the morning, I will love Jesus more at the end of this, I will see the bigger picture of this season in my life. 

I usually do not read lyrics when people put them in blogs, so I will not be offended if you do not either. This song is on my heart though and fits this moment just right. Really truly and honestly if I had a way I would have coffee, or do voice teachings, or do bible study and street walking, I'd do your hair and take you shopping, I would have sleepovers and dinners, I'd have girl time and game nights, I would go to your parties, events, adventures and see you in concert.

But I do not have a boat, so I will slowly swim pointed north and hope that the shore breaks into view sooner than later. 

If I Had  a Boat

verse 1

burn slow, burning up the back wall
long roads, where the city meets the sky
most days, most days stay the sole same
please stay, for this fear it will not die

chorus

if i had a boat, i would sail to you
hold you in my arms, ask you to be true
once i had a dream, it died long before
now i’m pointed north, hoping for the shore

verse 2

down low, down amongst the thorn rows
weeds grow, through the lillies and the vine
birds play, try to find their own way
soft clay, on your feet and under mine

chorus

bridge

breaking at the seams
heaving at the brace
sheets all billowing
the breaking of the day
sea is not my friend
seasons they conspire
still i choose to swim
slip beneath the tide

once i had a dream
once i had a hope
that was yesterday
not so long ago
this is not the end
this is just the world
such a foolish thing
such an honest girl

chorus

James Vincent McMorrow