Sex, Love and Chocolate

My mother pointed out today that the V word is coming up soon (I think really soon, but gotta check my calendar to be certain). Thanks Mum for that. I am remembering why this holiday should be banned from a national roster. And not that I am one of those jaded girls who’s embittered about not having a hot date, but more importantly I am a bit tired of explaining my singleness to others. I am 28, and very single. I am 28 and probably the happiest, most satisfied, and content than I have ever been during my swift stay on this planet. At this very moment I am learning how to cook and keep my house clean, learning how to create, and learning how to love. All these things are possible outside of a romantic relationship. I enjoy the place where I am, and understand that this may not be where I stay, or it just might. Either way I am content.

I am learning there is more depth to Love than you may ever dream. What a desperate lie we try and sell ourselves by believing that romantic love is all there ever will be, should be or needs to be. If you build your life around that sand-pit, I do believe that your life will be very empty and void of some of the deepest treasures ever found. Culturally we are taught that romance is all there is.  We are sold this crap about physical lust that feeds off of our very souls. All of you who have read this blog for a while know where I came from. My testimony is freedom from lust, pornography, alcohol, sexual addiction and abuse, shopping, nicotine… and the list continues. I do not bring this list to attention to glorify myself by saying: “look at what I did”, nor to shame myself by carrying these with me through life. I want it to be heard that I have freedom today. I have a new name, I am not the same broken, passion-seeking whore that I was. I am remade, whole and unstained. Freedom reins in my heart.  I do not seek perfection, but hope to bring honor to the One who brought me back to life.

That being said, I am learning about different facets of love. I used to believe the lie that sex and true love went hand in hand; I thought that sex was an integral part of the love equation.  Not simply a strong part of the equation, but a huge portion of love. Somewhere in American media, there is a lie that is being fed to young girls everywhere that for a boy to love and adore you, you must offer yourself as a body sacrifice. Levels of this horrid lie are permeating even into Churches across the nation.  Let me tell it to you straight men, girls are not stupid. They see the way that you look at the models on the runway, they see your soul light up when the blond bombshell walks past, and they know you are addicted to pornography. They know. Because of a misconnect girls think that sex will bind a boys attention to them. Not true, there is a line that we all cross, there are lies that we all believe in. There is a better way.

Every relationship I have ever been in has been twisted. I honestly am the worst go-to for advice when it comes to relationship issues. All I know is how to fail miserably at it. I am learning though, and although I have much room to grow, I do have some ideas about how not to fall into the same pit of despair as before. They are not tested, so please no hate mail, y’all! I see that there is a cultural overemphasis on sex. Sex is like salt. It brings out the flavor of a meal. It does wonderful and amazing things to bring zing to your favorite foods. There is a problem though when you take this magnificent seasoning and try to make a meal of it. Too much salt and you have ruined your whole dish. Sex, or at least an obsession of sex, cannot be what you build a relationship on. What would happen if your spouse has an accident and is now a paraplegic? Or if you are with someone who has had some sexual abuse, and suddenly sex is near torture to him or her? If your whole relationship is based on physical reciprocation, how then can you stand together, when one is weak?

The hype of Valentines Day is hard to trudge through, this day causes so many deeply wounded folks to take one day and worship it. As if one day dedicated to love, lust and passion will fill the void that grows deeper in their depths. We all who are single are pitied. There are more blind dates shoved on us, silly mothers trying to get us to meet their “stellar” children and couples telling us that there is still hope. I am so thankful that my life doesn’t hang on a precipice waiting for Mr. Right to come galloping in on his super fly ride, taking me away and “saving” me from a life of weary loneliness. As if! I have such a full community that I am a part of. I have worth that is defined neither by the diamond on my finger, or the man on my arm. I am sinking into the depths of love in every avenue of my life. C.S. Lewis places love into categories like so: Affection, Friendship, Eros (being “in love”), and Charity. If my whole life is fed into the smallest facet of only one of the tines of love, there is much that I am missing. Not only in love as a whole but also Eros as a whole is much deeper and more sacred than a lustful addiction.  What an honor it is to me, that this year I get to celebrate Love in a fuller and more meaningful way.  This year I get to be embraced, by deep friendships, have my heart torn up over sex trafficking, and child slavery.  I get to love and be loved in a way that a piece of candy or bouquet of flowers, followed by the pressure to have the best date ever, can bring. Meaning in a way that I have never understood before.

This year on Valentines Day, I would ask that your look into your heart. What are you lusting after? Is it fulfilling? What are you pining for? Will spending more time and focus on it bring contentment? Is it making you a better person? Is it growing you closer to meaning? If you have had your heart pricked in any way, I would love to extend the invitation to a conversation. There is a better and more satisfying life. And hear this: sex is healthy BUT only inside of a healthy relationship! Lets talk about it! Please feel free to ask me anything. I am very open to where I came from and who I am being made into today.

Since I have you here I am going to promote a near and dear cause of mine. This Saturday at Jives and this Sunday at Yoebel Market will be showing the realities of “The Dark Side of Chocolate.” There is a very real atrocity that is attached to the yummy bits of dark glory that will be sold by the tons this weekend. Little children are forced to harvest the coco beans that are used in your favorite chocolate. Maybe it is time to learn how to love in a different way. Check out the trailer here. Come and let your heart blossom for these lovely babes who are tortured for our carnal pleasure.