lily's

thrown into this chaos of life. someone chose...or didn't to bring you into it. trying hard to bring some sense to their own exhistence.
now here you stand.

the fan blows loudly, moving the hot thick air ever so slightly. is it even helping i wonder? my thoughts slowly merging from one place to another.

love.
such a small word yet so very big in reality. violent. full. passionate. throbbing. effortless. genteel. ironic. painful. threatening. life  changing.  momentous. fufilling.

here again i stand at the edge of the cliff. ready to jump as if that could save me. resolute in never falling again. yet the pull of the fall burns in my soul. my whole being yearns as if it knows this is what it was meant for. 

reality jerks me back. 
what is safe? 
standing here tense and jaded?
or falling into free niavity?
o that there would be a balance! my reservations are beating me. my desires strongly haunting me.
heavily i sigh.

think of you.

steadfast. bright. eager. strong. anchor. lifeline. willing. thoughtful. courageous. tender. fresh. handsome. debonaire. different.

in my dreams we jump together. the wind in our faces, carefree and happy.
the ever after.

this dreams shocks me awake. i have become resolute in unhappy. what would i do if things were right? i would adjust? what would it be like for someone to love so pure that it could fix me? to just let the eccentricies melt away and become her... the girl of your dreams.

goosebumps tingle over my whole being. even my soul stirs. locked away in its seemingly eternal night...it moves. maybe i can wake it! maybe the passion can be restored. 
i listen.
barely breathing.
gone.
the flicker is  gone. just a blip in a moment, already speeding away faster than it came to be.

i am me. overwhelming. enticing. lost in words. enchanting. epic. chaotic. difficult. thoughtful. dark and twisty. mutable. yearning. undiscovered. transparent.

if i let go.
if i fell.
would i melt away?
would the me that i feel safe with vanish? would i get lost in the adventure of it? so consumed in the us of it all that there is no me?
my i am astonished at the selfishness i have found.

so here i sit. 
at the edge.
searching into the unknown.
the vastness of this moment absolutly breathtaking. the raw energy of the wheels turning in my brain. the sheer emotion pressing into me. can i sit in this limbo forever? or must i come to a conclusion? this dark moment just before the dawn is emense in its solidarity.
i take a deep breath of it willing that the rise of the light of enlightenment might stay back a few more moments.

here i might just stay forever.

plucking the endless petals on a daisy she repeats over and over...he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not, i love him, i love him not...unsure of everything except the simple desire to be loved.

all i can do is keep breathing

there is so much around me. things constantly shifting and changing. new days creating beauty. old days being remembered. colors softly fading from one to another. so much happening. i should be in awe.

except i'm pale. living life as a shadow. wanting so much more yet can't begin to grasp it. my mind wishes for something to grasp. my heart gently begs for a new rhythm. i put a shell to my ear and hear the roar of an ocean i pull it back and take a look to see...nothing.

i know in my soul there is sooo much more. i know that my dream is waiting to be found. i know i'm still here for something. something unimaginable, something so great that alone i cannot fathom. some adventure waiting to be lived aloud.

all i know is there is a tomorrow. a chance. a moment when the yesterdays plus the todays will equal a passion untapped. a vision reformed. a beauty unearthed. a wholly new version of the ghost that has become me.

today i will keep breathing, waiting, hoping, wishing, dreaming.
today i survive.
today i am here.