lily's

thrown into this chaos of life. someone chose...or didn't to bring you into it. trying hard to bring some sense to their own exhistence.
now here you stand.

the fan blows loudly, moving the hot thick air ever so slightly. is it even helping i wonder? my thoughts slowly merging from one place to another.

love.
such a small word yet so very big in reality. violent. full. passionate. throbbing. effortless. genteel. ironic. painful. threatening. life  changing.  momentous. fufilling.

here again i stand at the edge of the cliff. ready to jump as if that could save me. resolute in never falling again. yet the pull of the fall burns in my soul. my whole being yearns as if it knows this is what it was meant for. 

reality jerks me back. 
what is safe? 
standing here tense and jaded?
or falling into free niavity?
o that there would be a balance! my reservations are beating me. my desires strongly haunting me.
heavily i sigh.

think of you.

steadfast. bright. eager. strong. anchor. lifeline. willing. thoughtful. courageous. tender. fresh. handsome. debonaire. different.

in my dreams we jump together. the wind in our faces, carefree and happy.
the ever after.

this dreams shocks me awake. i have become resolute in unhappy. what would i do if things were right? i would adjust? what would it be like for someone to love so pure that it could fix me? to just let the eccentricies melt away and become her... the girl of your dreams.

goosebumps tingle over my whole being. even my soul stirs. locked away in its seemingly eternal night...it moves. maybe i can wake it! maybe the passion can be restored. 
i listen.
barely breathing.
gone.
the flicker is  gone. just a blip in a moment, already speeding away faster than it came to be.

i am me. overwhelming. enticing. lost in words. enchanting. epic. chaotic. difficult. thoughtful. dark and twisty. mutable. yearning. undiscovered. transparent.

if i let go.
if i fell.
would i melt away?
would the me that i feel safe with vanish? would i get lost in the adventure of it? so consumed in the us of it all that there is no me?
my i am astonished at the selfishness i have found.

so here i sit. 
at the edge.
searching into the unknown.
the vastness of this moment absolutly breathtaking. the raw energy of the wheels turning in my brain. the sheer emotion pressing into me. can i sit in this limbo forever? or must i come to a conclusion? this dark moment just before the dawn is emense in its solidarity.
i take a deep breath of it willing that the rise of the light of enlightenment might stay back a few more moments.

here i might just stay forever.

plucking the endless petals on a daisy she repeats over and over...he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not, i love him, i love him not...unsure of everything except the simple desire to be loved.

116

Let me not to the marriage of true minds 

Admit impediments. 

Love is not love

Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.
Shakespeare 116

words so beautiful. moved to hope. upon testing it seems that the love i know is somewhat lacking. "love is not love which altars when it alteration finds" seems so simple. yet the reality of my days see another light. love is something that is given too easily and upon true test of life it breaks like a dried twig. maybe the ones i have chosen to love have not been right, but sometimes you cannot chose who you fall for. my own fear of pain fails me time and time again. i fall the hardest on those incapable of loving me when i need it the most. when i run away, when i fail, when i hurt. "or bends with the remover to remove: o no! it is an ever-fixed mark" all my life i will dream of someone who will back up action and words. who will cherish me when i am me. who will give everything to get me back when i run away. who will be steady in my chaos. 

one might think that this fairy tale will not have its happy ending. i should hope that you the reader will not assume that this princess does nothing but yearn to be loved. no she works, plays and lives with fullness and passion. her life in this moment is more than complete, yet once in a blue moon it hits, this desire to be loved. this captivating thought of living in another's arms. the beauty of someone giving their all. one day her prince will come, for she will not settle for anything else