breakthrough.

you see right through me. i cannot get on your same page even though i try. oh how i try. you see me for the shape i make not the person i have become. i see now that i could never be good enough for you. it wouldn't matter what i did. you see right through me. the the image i have to live up to is just that, an image. you recognize the shape and curve of her in me, but in reality she is just a fantasy. you do not realize that your entire life is wrapped up in her. you wish that i could be her. this magnetic pull to the vision of the imaginary is not unlike a black hole, pulling your entire world slowly into one fantasy.

no wonder i felt abandoned. after you spent the evening with me there was always her in your head. the way you looked at me was not right. yet i knew. i knew you were addicted. i knew you were trapped. i even tried to be her for you. i tried so hard to be her.

as i realize this. i see that my life has been spent striving. never good enough. never wanted for anything other than my body. never desired for true intimacy. i see now why my hope must lie in no one but Christ. my all in all. my every hope and dream. my TRUE love. for until i have him as first in my sights i cannot expect anyone to see me as more than a shell. finally peace. i will find my purity in Christ alone. i will find my worth in Christ alone. i will find my truth in Christ alone.

In Christ alone my hope is found,
He is my light, my strength, my song;
this Cornerstone, this solid Ground,
firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace,
when fears are stilled, when strivings cease!
My Comforter, my All in All,
here in the love of Christ I stand.

No guilt in life, no fear in death,
This is the power of Christ in me;
From life's first cry to final breath.
Jesus commands my destiny.
No power of hell, no scheme of man,
Can ever pluck me from His hand;
Till He returns or calls me home,
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand.

-In Christ Alone

lyrics by: Stuart Townend, Keith Getty

i thought i would sit down and write a bit of what GOD has been doing in me over the past couple of months. i really felt that it would be good for you to hear how GOD has been drastically changing my life. 

while i was in 24-7 my parents were beginning of what has turned into a nasty divorce. way before new life was going through the heart-ache of the sex scandal, my family was being ripped to shreds by the same evil. 

i don't think this is the time or place to get into details so i will just give a framework. basically my family's motto has been one of hurt and anger. physical, emotional, sexual and verbal abuse are tools of the trade. needless to say i have been holding alot of anger, bitterness and pure hatred inside of me for a long time. 

i honestly cannot even say why i went to the mill for the first week of the 7 deadly sins series, except that the HOLY SPIRIT has been haunting me. i haven't even thought about new life for three or four years now. my life has been consumed with fear and trying to find comfort in any way possible other than GOD. 

the past few years have been intense. i have given up and traded GOD, family and friends for alcohol, nicotine, sex, work and anything else that might be big enough to fill the void. anything to hide my pain behind.

the thought of church left a foul taste in my mouth. i would say that i have been a casualty of religion, never understanding the realness of a relationship with the messiah. my knowledge of what i thought i knew was just enough to never understand the reality of JESUS. 

all that to say the HOLY SPIRIT brought me to the church and my life is in the process of actual, physical change. the pride sermon ignited something inside of me so i would come back to hear the greed and gluttony talks. after that i went home and cleaned out my house, i gave away my excess. i was able to get rid of 11 kitchen sized bags of clothes, to a shelter. i am on a 90 day spending fast and have gotten very hardcore with a budget. i will be out of debt within 6 months!

the ball began rolling with physical acts of repentance, softening my heart and ears to hear the lust and anger talks. these two have hit me below the belt. these last weeks i have been shattered! psalm 51 has been my reality. broken i have come before my savior finally understanding a minute bit about grace. the understanding of my humanity, the way i have put myself in GOD's throne saying i am better than he, and the sheer weight of the forgiveness he has bestowed upon me! 

so, tonight after hearing wrath i went home and had a very serious talk with GOD. i have done such horrid things to my ABBA and received unfathomable forgiveness. how dare i turn around and continue to be unforgiving towards my father. so tonight i spoke the words out loud. not by my will but with GOD working in me. i have only begun this process of progressive sanctification. forgiveness, i have a feeling is going to be a hard and tedious journey. but i am on the road to recovery. i am being remade. i am learning the act of forgiveness and purity.

 i know that there is so much more to my story and GOD has only just begun.

like a tarnish on the silver

the poison in your apple

a simple virus to the system

a bad habit turned wild

the influence your mother warned you of

a secret behind locked doors

the voice of the angel on your left

a taste of every chocolate

the rhythm of a beat

the guitar tuned wrong

a simple decision made wrong

the repercussions are endless

the silence fills the night

an erie way to say goodbye

the last kiss never forgotten

random nothingness...or is it somethingness?

tested in this moment in this time and space. all else seems forgotten as i feel ever distant and falling from grace. shattering momentum breaks the silence this pendulum swings never seeking guidance. life invading ever changing expansive recreating renovating uploading and encoding these moments reacting to the ever evolving mass of revelation. 
stop
listen
this time break away
challenges unfolding anew. one step forward two steps back. one mountain climbed only to discover another range in view. with ferocious energy i continue on. i will make a difference today. i will make these moments count. one simple step at a time is all it takes.
happily i head towards the incline.
moving simply on. 
forever forward.
up and out.

breathtaking

life is not about the breaths you take... 

but about the moments that take your breath away.

   there comes a moment in life where you must take a step back and view the world for what it is. see the reality of who you are. where you have come from. where you are going. life is so short, but it is long also. the things that you say you cherish...are they even on your radar? the moments that make your day...do you even remember? shake yourself aware and stop the momentum of random movement...are you even going in a direction worthwhile?
   i have come to realise in the last few months that i have the most amazing family. we would do absolutely anything for each other. we are not perfect. we are not normal. we are not unblemished. but we are beautiful. we are fighters. we are the best. my mother is fighting tooth and nail for her kids to have a better life, while fighting the insane and lonely battle of ms. my sisters are trying to pick up the pieces of their shattered lack of a father. my brother is trying so hard to be a man without having one to look up to. i am trying to live.
   we are tight knit. we are lovers and haters. we are sinners and saints. we are movers and shakers. this uphill journey creates a bond that is thicker than blood. we will make it. if one falters there is a whole brood of helping hands pushing and fighting. we are finishers. 
   with every ounce of my being i love my family. thank you all for giving me a reason to love. you take my breath away.

truthfully me

i was contemplating the intricacies of beauty the other day as i was washing dishes. so many times people associate beauty as what you see on the outside, is your hair right? your make up perfect? your clothes the right brand?

growing up in an ultra conservative, right wing, home schooled family, i was raised with an emphasis on inner beauty. nothing was ever said about outer beauty though. i strove to cultivate my inner graces; honesty, trustworthiness, manners and grace. i tried to edit my posture and walk. trying to blend in with the outside world was always awkward for me. although i felt my beauty shining from within i could never see it in a mirror. i was awkward on the outside. in high school i quickly gained 60 pounds. the only time anyone mentioned my outer appearance was when i was eating. you can guess the negativity that transpired. i became afraid of eating publicly. i would eat small portions at meals and then scramble food away so i could eat in my room. i would never fall asleep at night until i had fed my void. i continued this downward spiral until i had reached an unhealthy 200 pounds for my 5'4" frame. i was humiliated by my appearance, but on the inside i was as beautiful as ever! my body image issues were continually compounded by a need for others to respect me. i was either completely ignored or quickly shut down in conversations.

there was absolutely no balance in my life. i became terrified of people. my inside and outside fighting a battle to be heard. as the days turned quickly into years i continued this cyclical journey. after i moved out of my parents and 2 years of college i had turned many fat cells into muscle, but the wear on my small frame turned cruel as my knee gave out one year.

how could this be? how did i get here? my heart was obviously hurting. i feel so good on the inside and am horrified by the outside! as i began to realize my imbalanced state i truly looked into the mirror for the first time at myself. i was raised with a fear almost of femininity, so i began to play! what is all this outside nonsense cracked up to be? i discovered that wearing cute clothes made me feel better. i played with make up and razors. got my ears pierced (a couple times). in this discovery of outward beauty i flourished. i began to lose weight. people who knew me before as the sweet fat girl didn't even recognize me. i went to beauty college to learn how to give others this feeling. i wanted to transform those around me, help other people see that they could be beautiful too! while i was there though i became completely obsessed with the outside. my unbalanced state continued with the pendulum swinging from one extreme to the other. engrossed on my looks i completely forgot about the other side of the coin. my insides which once shone so blindingly bright were now dingy and cold.

my need for balance ensued as i became an alcoholic, smoker and complete moral prostitute selling away my inner virtues for the "right look". then i found out i was pregnant. my world shattered. how could i give life to someone so new and innocent when i myself was so foul. i miscarried the baby soon after i found out about it. my unhealthy lifestyle had poured death not life into my baby. shaken by this reality i look another long look into the mirror. there looking back at me was a very gorgeous woman. as i looked deeper i realized that there was no life in the hazel eyes that looked back at me. a blank stare was all that registered. this small snapshot of the woman in the mirror was erie. it was also life changing.

i have since rearranged my life. learning again the things that really matter. i no longer want to be the belle of the ball, but neither do i wish for an immaculate inner beauty. i seek balance,; spiritually, emotionally, mentally and physically. someday i might be there until then i remember this:

as i was washing those dishes i began cleaning a cup. i started on the inside scrubbing away the dirty residue. as i often do while washing dishes i let my mind wander, absentmindedly i began to rinse the cup and put it on the drying rack before i realised that i forgot to scrub the outside. laughing at myself i cleaned to outside as well. i thought what if i had a dinner party and served all my guests drinks in half clean glasses! "i know it looks dirty but i promise it's clean on the inside" i could hear myself saying. laughing i saw the parallel in my own life. for many years i tried passing off as clean on the inside but dirty on the outside, then the outside was clean but the inside forgotten.

as i gain confidence in my new state of existence i will ever be "cleaning" my inside and outside creating an ever delicate state of balance.

begin again

a new beginning. something everyone wishes for, but few have balls to actually turn the page. many chances can be taken...but a new beginning?! now that is RISKY! why take a new beginning when you can ride in the safety and uncomfortable normalcy of this bland existence you call your life.

when a chance for a better tomorrow presents itself why take it when you know exactly what tomorrow will really bring. psh... who needs happiness when disgruntled safety is sitting at your doorstep?

today i embark on a risky adventure. "one does not discover new lands with out consenting to lose sight of the shore for a very long time." andre gide. i say enough. i choose it all. i choose to drop my safety net and take a risk. honestly i am scared spit less. i have no clue what tomorrow will bring. it can be no worse than sitting in this mindless numbing moment of timeless eternity though.

i do know one thing for certain though. i can never say i didn’t try. no one can ever say that i wasn’t willing to take a risk.

one question remains: when you jump in clearly transparent, do you sink or swim?

only the passage of time will tell!