decisions

ever since i was a small child, i have had a problem making decisions. when faced with even the smallest of choices, my heart will begin to race so fast that my chest feels like it will cave in. the resounding thud-thud, thud-thud, in my ears overpowers any ability to hear much else. my face gets hot and begins to redden and burn, causing the allover temperature of my skin to spike resulting in a system wide sweat breakout. the dizzy spins come on as my head swells from the blood rushing to it and i have to sit down, smoothing away the moisture from my clammy palms.

JUST BREATHE.

phew!! this is so overwhelming, just reading back on it. this is what happens when i am trying to decide what to order off a fast food menu. imagine all this expounded and amplified when the weight of the decision rises or the price point sky-rockets.

for the past two and a half weeks now i have been regularly working out with suzan and melodie. as each workout progresses, it becomes more and more obvious that my five year old, pro spirit, walmart, tennis shoes were no longer cutting it. they were in fact hindering my ability to workout well. i kept pushing off the idea that i would have to buy a new pair, but the reality hit that it was time to "man up" as it were and make a decision. i told suzan and as we already had a trip to the mall planned we decided to go to the store then.

now normally i will go to the store numerous times and take an excessive amount of time researching and doing brand comparisons. i also will narrow my choices down online before it is time to purchase so that i am not overwhelmed in the store. this time i did nothing. i walked into the store with the idea that i might not even make it out with a pair if i got too overwhelmed.

side note: if this was someone else’s blog, i would at this point, pause, sit
back in my chair and say (most likely out loud) "my goodness! all this for a
pair of shoes?" since this is my own blog and i didn't have a bigger picture in
mind as it unfolded, i will unfortunately have to respond with "yes. all this
over a pair of shoes."

continuing on, this is what happened. i walked in with suzan and was instantly overwhelmed. i looked around the store for a bit to survey what was to come and was faced with the “mountain of sale shoes" “and the ever imposing “wall of regular priced shoes". *insert alfred hichcock type scary music here.

as i walked in circles for a bit, only adding to the dizziness that was pressing in, i finally whispered to suzan “i don't know what to do!” she chuckled a bit and said, "well try some on!"

ha, right!
step one: try on shoes.
step two: walk in them.
step three: pick out your favorite one, in your price range and...PURCHASE!

i honestly cannot tell you how long we were there. it felt like hours though it probably was only twenty minutes.


yes, my head spun.

my hands got clammy.
my nose even started running.
my chest closed up.
my back was covered in sweat.

but you know what?

I MADE A DECISION!

i walked out with a ultra comfortable, sturdy, great for working out in, perfect for hiking in, made for women by women pair of shoes.

they are exactly what i needed and very long overdue. as i write this i remember that last year i even said i needed new shoes, but because i couldn't make a simple choice my feet suffered dearly for it. i almost lost both of my big toenails to the brutal torture of my shoes combined with the manitou springs incline last summer.


BUT,
i am learning.
i am healing.
i will get better at this

today i am faced with different decisions
what should i get with my TOMS gift card that i received for Christmas?
what should i study in school? <--this decision i have put off for almost ten years now!
what am i doing this summer?
where am i going to live this coming year?
what ministry should i be committing to?
what church should i be calling home?
what kind of job should i be applying for?

these decisions terrify me.
these decisions will not own me.

as i see these big, life defining moments ahead of me, i will remember my shoes. yes, these are not easy choices to be made, but i know that just because something is hard, does not make it unworthy of doing. so i will choose, and i will be better for it. it will be tough and i might sweat a bit, but i will make it through all the better for it. i will leave you with this reminder from psalm 139 about the character of the GOD i serve, because it has been haunting me of late:

O LORD, you have searched me and known me! You know when I sit down and when I
rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar. You search out my path and my lying
down and are acquainted with all my ways. Even before a word is on my tongue,
behold, O LORD, you know it altogether. You hem me in, behind and before, and
lay your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high; I
cannot attain it. Where shall I go from your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from
your presence? If I ascend to heaven, you are there! If I make my bed in Sheol,
you are there! If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost
parts of the sea, even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall
hold me. If I say, "Surely the darkness shall cover me, and the light about me
be night," even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is bright as the day,
for darkness is as light with you.

For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.

How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them!
If I would count them, they are more than the sand. I awake, and I am still with you.

Search me, O God, and know my heart!
Try me and know my thoughts!
And see if there be any grievous way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

i still don't know why this is hard for me. it is probably some old wound that i have yet to face. i am realizing though that sometimes you don’t need to know. sometimes the healing comes from moving forward.

onward i go, oh and for your information and i have a pair of TOMS headed my way as i post this!

what if we were made for freedom?