there is a knowing in my knower.

what is knowing?
i may know something, but do i actually KNOW it? what is the difference?


at church this sunday the paster made a reference to a friend of his who works on movie sets ( i'm sure that there was actually an i application for this story in his sermon and its obvious now that i was not paying attention.) this story paralleled two actors, one who meticulously memorized his line, know every intent of the english it was written in, had every nuance, inflection, emotion and pronunciation perfect. the other guy would get to set a tad early and tape his lines up on cards to various places on set and basically "wing it". 


both actors know their stuff. they are well crafted. at the end of the day they both get their check. the movie gets made. no one in the audience can tell otherwise.


but the reality is, one knew the lines, the other KNEW his lines.


as i ponder this, as i sit in wonder of this, as i stall once again, the reality hits deep. 


i know CHRIST,
but can i say that i actually KNOW HIM??


do i live my life with the view of heaven in mind? do i live my daily life with an impulse to please myself? or do i actually live as though i have been changed? can i say that i KNOW the one that i call my love? THE LOVE of my life? the ONE who has the lead as the hero in the epic poetry that consists of my life?


honestly? no. my poor attempts at knowing are not enough. my weak effort to pursue will not be enough. my pathetic whimpering at my so called sufferings will not cut it! this is not a tale of a damsel in distress, but more of a girl, standing at the front door of her house looking at her long lost lover through the peephole and refusing to throw the door open and run into his arms! all the while she is wondering why her efforts of intimacy are not working. no one will be patient long talking through a door darling! 


JESUS when questioned about the greatest commandment states in matthew 22: "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets."


how do i love? what does it mean to love someone mentally, emotionally and even down deep to the depths of my soul? is this something that i can even attain?


i don't think that this was ever meant to be a one sided deal. if you think of any love story there always MUST be response on both sides or there is no growth in the relationship. if indeed then, i believe that JESUS is real. that he died and that he is alive to this day, then i must begin to act like it! friends, i know that we have in our sights social justice and freedom for the captives, but are we forgetting the reality of the one we first love? the one that gives us the ability to help the homeless the hopeless and the forgotten?


today i beg to remember. today i hope that my eyes will be opened. there is nothing without CHRIST. there is no point in even trying to be "good" or to walk with a vision if HE is not at the forefront. if there is no knowing, intimately,  of the one who loves me, then i am a fool. i believe that it is time to put some foundation where my feet stand. who was HE? this man who lived in galilee. the one for which i will put my hope, security, reason, dignity, strength, mind and future in? the one who lived as a man and died as a tortured soul. the one who took death by storm and overcame that which is coming for us all.


yes i am firm, resolute even, in this decision. my faith does not waiver, because it is not mine to control. i also understand that standing on a wisp of love will never satisfy my hunger, nor will it bring glory to the one i desire. 


i must know more.
i must KNOW more.