seeing is believing

today i am seeing the world from a different view.

perched in the window sill of the fifth floor surgical unit at st francis watching the city sparkle and listening to the constant shallow breath of my 17 year old sister.
she is finally sleeping.
her fever is steady.
not going up.
not going down.

yesterday at this time she was getting out of surgery. her appendix burst on wednesday and they only figured it out yesterday. the doctor said that she had so much infection at the site of the incision that he was worried more about post-op than the actual procedure.

today i see the world in a different light.
every single breath she is taking is an enormous gift.

hannah is probably one of the strongest people i know. her wisdom is astounding. her resolve is astonishing, her faith is simple, the most unselfish person i have ever encountered and one who will fight tooth and nail for what she believes in.

today i see the world from a different side.
i wish i knew her better.

i wish i could say resolutely that i know what her favorite color is, or what her favorite breakfast dish is, or who her best friend is, or how she sees the world. but i can't. this gift sitting in front of me is being taken advantage of.

today is see the world from another vantage point.
i might have her for the rest of my life.
i might not.
the truth is no one can say. so a resolve is met. she is my gift for this moment. i will be intentional in making the most of this opportunity.

hannah, i'm sorry it took this for me to see.
i love you more than you may know.
"love you forever, like you for always, as long as i'm living, my baby sister you'll be."

bon voyage?

have you ever flipped through a magazine and had to go back to a picture, because it pulled at something inside of you?


have you ever watched a movie so many times that you could close your eyes and replay it in your head?


have you ever read a book in one day because there is something inside the story line that pulls you so deep into it that you can't help it?


there is something about the human condition that strokes our affections and becons us to discover the magnetic pull of this feeling. there are some things that evoke awe inside our souls, that inspire us to do more than just look.


today there is a pull in my soul, for some reason a little town in ireland called saintfield makes my heart jump.

when i hear of suicide rates in certain cities in ireland being the highest in the world, me heart cringes.


when i hear stories of children who have never known their fathers i want to know more.


when i hear of children who are alcoholics before they can read i want to understand that kind of pain.


when i hear of kids taking three weeks out of their summer to go to the czech republic and teach english it makes me pause. i hear stories of people who have never even had a chance to disown the gospel, for they have never even heard the name of JESUS CHRIST, it beckons me to re-think my distance.


sometimes we get to see these things and pray for these people, or send others to go and help, other times we get to go.


this time i have a chance to go.
this year in about 4 months i will be embarking across the pond. i will be going. GOD has put in my heart a yearning to understand why my heart is drawn to these people. these stories. these realities. i get a chance to see "youth ministry" from a different persvery different perspective.


this, is a turning of the page, as it were, in my life. there is a reason that i have been through the story that i have. today is a new stage in this adventure. one that will change the way i think, the way i see, and ultimately the way i love and worship. GOD has his hand deep inside of this.

Judges 18:5-6
And they said to him, "Inquire of God, please, that we may know whether the journey on which we are setting out will succeed." And the priest said to them, "Go in peace. The journey on which you go is under the eye of the LORD."

projection.perception.perspective

who are you? no, but really. who are you? does it seem that when you look deep into what i call "the abyss of your soul" you can really find yourself? when someone asks you how your day is, do you deflect and give the usual answer "fine"? do you really truly know who you are and what you are capable of? good OR bad?

i have a thought. we don't want to know.

we like to pry into others lives so that we can attach ourselves to a reality that might describe ourselves, for we do not know who we are. i mean c'mon why else would the daily coming and goings of random people who you have no relations with become the highest sought after information of an entire nation?

i have traveled to the depths of my known self. i know a lot more about me than a lot of others know about themselves. i know the heights that i can rise to and the depths to which i can fall. i understand what turns me on, what makes me laugh, what tantalizes my five senses and what brings a dark cloud over my soul. i know these things because i have pushed my limits, seen the outer edges and have lived to tell about it.

was it worth it?

what is knowledge? just because i know these things, does it bring me to any understanding you ask?

no.

not on my own.

all that questioning left me with more questions. it left me trying once again to "be better". to live "right". to "live like it was my last day" or was it my first? it left me desperate. after all this living all i got to was the realization that i am made incomplete. there was something missing. there was something rotting deep inside of me, that would not go away.

i had a deep longing inside. one that would not be filled. it was like a deep void. a nothingness that only something bigger than me, bigger than another human, bigger than a mountain walk, bigger than another bottle of rum, bigger than any pleasure on this planet could fill.

i was empty. nothing could fix me. permanent brokenness was all i would ever attain.

i want you to look deep inside yourself. deep into the chasms of your soul, deep into the wild darkness that you might find yourself in and ask yourself a question or two: have you, truly, ever been happy? not the happiness that you might find at a birthday party or even at a wedding, but have you ever been complete? have you ever felt comfortable in your own skin? in a moment when everything clicks into place and its good? not even good, but dare i say...perfect?

i had never felt that. in all my years i had never felt an unimaginable joy in my life. i had seen it on others faces, but i had never felt it on my own. i thought they were all faking it.

i want you all to know, to understand, to see, that this is not a joke. this is real. there is a moment in time when things click into place and for the first time you can actually see.

there is something so wrong with the world, that it took a BEING from outside our understanding to step in and make it right. i think if i could understand it all, then i would be more apt to disbelieve. it had to be something bigger than me to make things right. to help me. to free me. maybe one day i will have more insight. i will have a better way of saying it. until then i will continue to fumble in the art of communication. i just want to help you see, you don't have to settle.

never again will you have to project yourself into the answer of "fine". you can be amazing, and mean it! it is really ok, to not be ok, but please don't stay there. don't do that to yourself.

i will leave this thought on the table, because it has changed my life: i pray that you can also see.

Our firm decision is to work from this focused center: One man died for everyone. That puts everyone in the same boat. He included everyone in his death so that everyone could also be included in his life, a resurrection life, a far better life than people ever lived on their own.

Because of this decision we don't evaluate people by what they have or how they look. We looked at the Messiah that way once and got it all wrong, as you know. We certainly don't look at him that way anymore. Now we look inside, and what we see is that anyone united with the Messiah gets a fresh start, is created new. The old life is gone; a new life burgeons! Look at it! All this comes from the God who settled the relationship between us and him, and then called us to settle our relationships with each other. God put the world square with himself through the Messiah, giving the world a fresh start by offering forgiveness of sins. God has given us the task of telling everyone what he is doing. We're Christ's representatives. God uses us to persuade men and women to drop their differences and enter into God's work of making things right between them. We're speaking for Christ himself now: Become friends with God; he's already a friend with you.

How? you ask. In Christ. God put the wrong on him who never did anything wrong, so we could be put right with God. 2 corinthians 5:14-21 msg

immortal.

i am an overwhelming person.
i think i was born this way.
i still don't know why.

people see a big me.
i only see a small me.
understanding fails.

i overwhelm myself daily.
because i can only see a small me.
the vision i have still needs adjusting.

i pray for balance.
because the only way i see is the mirror you put up.
you are afraid, and you don't.

so.
i.
can't.
see.

i am so selfish.


i pray for comprehension.
for the words you use sometimes cut.
healing in pain?

but.
it.
still.
hurts.

focus. clarity. resolve. GOD.

when the human factor fails.
HE.
the big GOD.
the real ONE.
TRUTH.

if i understand you or not,
if i try to love you more,
if i continue to fail as i have.


one final thought:

"It is a serious thing to live in a society of possible gods and goddesses, to remember that the dullest and most uninteresting person you talk to may one day be a creature which, if you saw it now, you would be strongly tempted to worship, or else a horror and a corruption such as you now meet, if at all, only in a nightmare. All day long we are, in some degree, helping each other to one or other of these destinations. . . . There are no ordinary people. You have never talked to a mere mortal. Nations, cultures, arts, civilization—these are mortal, and their life is to ours as the life of a gnat. But it is immortals whom we joke with, work with, marry, snub, and exploit—immortal horrors or everlasting splendors"
C. S. Lewis
Weight of Glory, p. 15