there are two kind of people in the world (possibly more, but i am going to severely limit myself here for a bit). when asking a child what they want to be when they grow up the first type will answer something fabulous like a doctor, a teacher or an architect. the second child will answer just as clearly a similar uplifting, goal oriented future with lots of money and cars or a fabulous lifestyle. the difference comes when these two grow older and begin to make decisions about said future. one actually goes and does it while the other, well you know what i'm getting at.

when i was a child i always wanted to be just like amy grant. if i had been allowed to listen to anything besides christian music and the occasional country twang i might have had a different heroine. this being said, all i truly ever wanted to be was a rock-star. they are fully immersed in the one thing i have ever loved with a passionate intensity: music.

this idea of a becoming a rockstar always twirled in my head. when people would ask me what i wanted to be i would say something heroic like an astronaut, but deep within i really just wanted to surround myself in melodic passion.

one thing rock-stars have that always troubled me though, is a fantastic ability to overcome fear. this has hindered my rockstar career tremendously. fear has always held me back. in almost every memory i have there is one constant. fear.

fear is good sometimes. it keeps us from doing truly stupid things; like driving on the wrong side of the road without your seatbelt on because your friend triple dog dared you to play chicken with an eighteen wheeler. fear is a healthy emotion that will play as an important checks and balance system throughout our lives.

unless you let it take over. this monster living in me; this fear of everything has severely limited my creative potential, my friendships, my family and most importantly my future. it has taken away the things that i have held dear. it has thwarted my desires and has turned me rotten. i have even lost part of my true meaning in life: my faith. my passion has lost its flame all because of this small yet overpowering word.

i have been reading (and rereading) a book that has since shook my world. the world without fear has been found. i am not here to preach a sermon. i am here to say that i am being renovated. i am becoming a new being, with new vision and a new outlook on life. i have found that "faith that counts, then, is not the absence of doubt; its the presence of action." -brian d. mclaren

to live a life well to me is a choice. at this point in time i honestly could do anything. the coolest thing about life is you get to choose. so here i am. i choose to live life and not let it live me. i choose to have faith, passion and knowledge. i choose to be happy. i choose to live WITHOUT fear. most importantly i choose jesus.

this is epic. this is changing my life.

this is the augustine adventure.

destiny and a city not forsaken

destiny.
a lot of people have asked me recently what my name means.
this post is an attempt to answer that.

'Tis but thy name that is my enemy; —
Thou art thyself
though, not a Montague.
What's Montague? It is nor hand, nor foot,
Nor arm, nor face, nor any other part
Belonging to a man. O, be some other name!
What's in a name? That which we call a rose,
By any other word would smell as sweet;
So Romeo would, were he not Romeo call'd,
Retain that dear perfection which he owes
Without that title: — Romeo, doff thy name;
And for thy name, which is no part of thee,
Take all myself.
Shakespeare; Romeo and Juliet, 1594

stephanie anne
crowned with grace and prayer.
the definition of my name haunts me at times. Its meaning is more than just words. sometimes i feel like it is a part of my DNA. maybe even what i cling to as my identity.


identity.
what is it that makes you who you are? is it your family? your possessions? your wealth? your personality? your looks? your friends? your significant other? these are all such simple things. all simple things that in the blink of an eye could be gone, and one day will. now your dead. what is your identity? who are you really? i believe that i am an eternal being. (this is not a forum to debate what happens when we die. i'm just giving you a platform so you can see where i am coming from.) if at the end of my life i have ignored the fact that i am eternal, all i have done is starved one of the only things that at this point matters. my soul.


soulful living.
every culture is different. even households in america have very different ways of living life. one thing that is very different in american homes is the way we despiritualize everything. we take out the idea that there could be anything bigger than ourselves. in a sense we have made ourselves god. we make the rules. we govern those rules and we even create our own reality to believe in. one thing i am learning is this: if you say that truth is not true and you believe it with all your heart, mind and strength, you find other people who agree with you and you live this lifestyle out, creating a movement that may even conform society, WILL NOT CHANGE THE FACT THAT TRUTH CANNOT BE ALTERED! truth is truth no matter how unpopular it is.


truth spelled out.
the legacy that has been passed down in my family for generations is one of hurt. the history in my family is always a sad tale of abusive husbands, deep dark depression, women left alone with no one to fight for them while there husbands die young or try to stay young living in the moment of fast cars and faster women. how do they cope? alcohol, physical abuse and sexual perversions. the legacy i was born into is one of hopelessness. i will never be as good as i should be. if i do make it in this crazy world i will not be loved nor will i be able to take care of myself or the ones i love. these generational curses have been on my family for hundreds of years. generation after generation spilling over into the next creating a downward spiral never ending and always producing the next strain of alcoholics, abusers and victims.


choosing life.
in my short years i have experienced much. i have seen and experienced more than i thought possible. i realize that i am blessed to be alive at this very moment. biblically when GOD intervened into the human story there is always change. sometimes it is defined by a monument, and alter or as in my case the change of a name. abraham used to be abram, sarah used to be sarai, israel used to be issac. these are verbal monuments showing that GOD has changed even the way you address them. i love the story of hosea. GOD met this man and told him to marry a prostitute. so he did. not out of obligation but because he had been changed. GOD had changed even how he saw this woman, before she was just a whore, now she is the love of his life. in chapter 2 it exemplifies this love. GOD takes his unfaithful bride out into the wilderness and whispers softly into her ear. wooing her. helping her see that there is a better life for her.
it is here.
it is now.
it is real.

The LORD’s Mercy on Israel
"Therefore, behold, I will allure her,
and bring her
into the wilderness,
and speak tenderly to her.
And there I will give
her her vineyards
and make the Valley of Achor a door of hope.
And there
she shall answer as in the days of her youth,
as at the time when she came
out of the land of Egypt.

"And in that day, declares the LORD, you will call me
'My Husband,' and no longer will you call me 'My Baal.' For I will remove the
names of the Baals from her mouth, and they shall be remembered by name no more.
And I will make for them a covenant on that day with the beasts of the field,
the birds of the heavens, and the creeping things of the ground. And I will
abolish the bow, the sword, and war from the land, and I will make you lie down
in safety. And I will betroth you to me forever. I will betroth you to me in
righteousness and in justice, in steadfast love and in mercy. I will betroth you
to me in faithfulness. And you shall know the LORD.

"And in that day I will answer, declares the LORD,
I will answer the heavens,
and they shall answer the earth,
and the earth shall answer the grain, the wine, and the oil,
and they shall answer Jezreel,
and I will sow her for myself in the land.
And I will have mercy on No Mercy,
and I will say to Not My People, 'You are my people';
and he shall say, 'You are my God.'"

this moves me. this is me. this is the GOD i worship. this is the one who is calling me into a different future. the result is a new story. a choice of life.

stories.
stories are how we communicate who we are to one another. i was on a road trip to oklahoma when i found the beginning to mine. my sister and i were trying to kill time on what seemed to be the endless road through kansas. someone said something about names and then we moved into what if we had different last names. i found mine on a street sign. hope in something bigger than the heritage i was born into.

st augustine.
was a pagan by birthright. he took a concubine and followed the popular religion of the day: manechean. his conversion and teachings effected how the church functions to this day. he was against the line of thinking that you can merit your own salvation and that you can get into heaven without divine intervention. he talks about the day he was saved as such; he heard a voice speaking to him "take up and read" so he found a bible:

"I seized, opened, and in silence
read that section on which my eyes first fell: Not in rioting and drunkenness,
not in chambering and wantonness, not in strife and envying; but put ye on the
Lord Jesus Christ, and make not provision for the flesh, in concupiscence. No
further would I read; nor needed I: for instantly at the end of this sentence,
by a light as it were of serenity infused into my heart, all the darkness of
doubt vanished away."
The Confessions of Saint Augustine, Book VIII

when i first saw this my heart flickered. in the darkest part of my soul there was a longing, maybe if GOD could take a heathen like augustine he would do the same for me? there might be a chance for my life. i took on the name augustine as my own. my search for truth was born.

my augustine adventure.
it started with an idea. it became a reality. my hope was born. a chance for a future. there is a passage in isaiah that i have taken as my life verse it speaks to me. this is who i was, who i am and who i hope to be.

Isaiah 62
Zion’s Coming Salvation
For Zion’s sake I will not keep silent,
and for Jerusalem’s sake I will not be quiet,
until her righteousness goes forth as brightness,
and her salvation as a burning torch.
The nations shall see your righteousness,
and all the kings your glory,
and you shall be called by a new name
that the mouth of the LORD will give.
You shall be a crown of beauty
in the hand of the LORD,
and a royal diadem in the hand of your God.
You shall no more be termed Forsaken,
and your land shall no more be termed Desolate,
but you shall be called My Delight Is in Her,
and your land Married;
for the LORD delights in you,
and your land shall be married.
For as a young man marries a young woman,
so shall your sons marry you,
and as the bridegroom rejoices over the bride,
so shall your God rejoice over you.
On your walls, O Jerusalem,
I have set watchmen;
all the day and all the night
they shall never be silent.
You who put the LORD in remembrance,
take no rest, and give him no rest
until he establishes Jerusalem
and makes it a praise in the earth.
The LORD has sworn by his right hand
and by his mighty arm:
"I will not again give your grain
to be food for your enemies,
and foreigners shall not drink your wine
for which you have labored;
but those who garner it shall eat it
and praise the LORD,
and those who gather it shall drink it in
the courts of my sanctuary."

Go through, go through the gates;
prepare the way for the people;
build up, build up the highway;
clear it of stones;
lift up a signal over the peoples.
Behold,the LORD has proclaimed
to the end of the earth:
Say to the daughter of Zion,
"Behold, your salvation comes;
behold, his reward is with him,
and his recompense before him."
And they shall be called The Holy People,
The Redeemed of the LORD;
and you shall be called
Sought Out, A City Not Forsaken.

a questioning mind

why do we as americans accept the fact that they make more in a day than more than 50% of the world will make in a year and what are we doing to help?

why is there a war being fought in uganda by mainly children who are kidnapped and brainwashed, but the world i live in doesn't care. if a child in america was kidnapped the amber alert would go off and millions would snap to attention. interesting.

why is it ok and even applauded to live a life without any drive or dignity?

why do people "check out" and let their lives live them instead of living the life they are meant for??

why is it counter-cultural for me, as a christian, to want to recycle?

what is it with republicans and war?

why do i live in a world where it's normal to not even know one of my neighbors names??

i have a lot of questions. now its time to do something about it.

since i was a little babe i have always been asking hard questions. i am an over analyzer and (even though it doesn't seem like it) i am very logical. as an elementary student i was trying to pry the theology of predestination out of my parent's. they had no idea what to say so they sent me to the children's pastor. in oversimplified terms i was told to just accept it. i have NEVER been able to just accept anything.

to this day i have questions. i will always have questions. one thing i am learning though is unless you seek out knowledge it will NOT fall into your lap. the person i am becoming is one who is waking up out of the haze, getting off my duff and truly finding something to be passionate about.

i honestly don't know the reasoning behind alot of what goes on in the world. but instead of just being spoon-fed my rationale i am out loud asking the why's again! i am digging deep into the things that don't make sense in my family, my church and my friends.