My Grace is Sufficient for Thee

Her name was Grace and she was used to change my life.

I have come to the understanding that God is big. So big in fact, that I may never understand Him. This is something I have had to come to terms with, for I am human and there is this thing inside of me that wants to elevate myself. I have believed for a long time that I am way more important than I truthfully am. In all honesty, realizing that there is something bigger than my comprehension, is refreshing. What if you believed in a God that was comprehendible? Wouldn’t that make God small and finite? IF I believed in a God that I could understand completely, wouldn’t that make me important and God less significant? 

I believe in a God that makes me smaller. I believe in a God that I may never comprehend. I believe in a God that causes me to ask some deep things about life that I may never have an answer to. That being said, I am going to share some things that I don’t completely understand. I am going to share some heartaches of my own, and humble myself to help show a bigger God than I could ever fathom.

Grace was my baby. She died before I ever knew her. I miscarried soon after I found out  about her. Her short life deeply effects my own. She has changed me in ways I still do not understand. 

At the time I was a heavy drinker and a heavier smoker. My life was not worth living and I daily would describe myself as hopeless. My choice of suicide was not a quick end, but a life of torment. My tool of death was alcohol. The relationship I was in was based on lust not love and had begun to spiral to sick end. We were detaching and it seemed obvious to most that there were more problems in our relationship than not. 

At this point in my life I was a very hardened and calloused being. One thing I see as the most significant change since being saved, is my demeanor. I was so harsh and obviously broken then. My attitude was bigger than I could handle, and it got me in so much trouble. I see a significant difference in the way I used to stuff my emotions and feelings and broken nature deep inside myself, and when I would begin to leak out (which honestly was often) I would drink (which was also often). There was a need to muffle the realities of my dark state. I wanted nothing to do with anything that made me feel.

Grace changed all that. I knew long before I was willing to take the test that I was pregnant. The thought of having a baby with the BOY I was dating at the time was terrifying. My entire body changed. I could feel a shift on the inside. All my selfish atoms, were now shifting to become life bearers. I was altered and growing, something bigger than me was happening, and I could feel it.

I also knew that I had lost her before the reality of it took place. The change in my body backfired. I could feel the death coursing through my veins. The fight for life and death, brought a quick and sudden end to the desperate hope that I had found for a split second. I knew that I was full of death and despair and this only proved it. 

Just as quickly as I had stopped drinking, I began again. My boyfriend was intent on mourning through this, and I was intent on forgetting it ever happened. I couldn’t deal with death and loss, much less one that I felt that I had caused. How could a baby grow in me? I was so full of physical, emotional, and spiritual toxins; how could I have ever brought life to this madness? I ran from the devastation and thus lost my attachment to reality. I quickly realized that the madness I was living in was a delusion and that maybe if I found an adventure to love, that life would soon follow. The half life that had become my reality was no longer enough. 

I believe that Grace’s short life instigated a change in my life. It took me a few more years to really find my hope, but I will always go back to Grace as the starting point in my journey home. 

There is significance to her name. After running from her for years, I was able to face the pain of her short life, soon after I was saved. Grace. Her life was God’s grace intervening in my own. His mercy, His compassion, His tenderness. Now don’t get me wrong when you hear me say these words. God’s GRACE in my life ended in death for one, but life for another. God’s MERCY in my life was that even though I was deeply hurting His heart, He interposed Himself and brought me a taste of hope; a small peep through a window into something bigger than me. He had compassion and tenderly dealt with me in a way that only He could have done.

We don’t often associate death and destruction with the happy-go-lucky God we have in our heads. The truth is God will move in any means necessary to interrupt our lives. Whatever it takes to get our attention He is willing to go there-even when we are not. This is what makes Him God, and I human. I would not go deep enough to reach you. I would not be willing to hurt you to make you stronger. In the book of Jeremiah in the Bible, the prophet speaks of a God who is willing to brake a bone that has been set wrongly, to make it right. Can you imagine the force and strength it takes to break a bone in your leg that has healed wrong? More than I can offer. Can you imagine trying to break a child’s leg that has healed improperly? How do you communicate the reality of the pain you are about to inflict on an old wound? Something that hurts this child continuously, that has effected the way they walk and move. How do you say to this child that there will be healing and restoration out of this? 

You can’t. 

This is the way that God has to communicate to us at times. We are in pain, some that is self-inflicted, but mostly that has come from this broken and terrible sin-filled world that we are in. God wants to heal us, but we cannot see the good. We cannot comprehend that something so terrible in our lives would ever bring good. We are children in our thinking. His foresight is perfect. His mercy is real. His grace is sufficient. The beauty of believing in a God that is bigger than whatever you can come up with, means that you don’t have to control it. You don’t have to know the ins and outs of why these things are happening. You are only required to deeply love a God who has it all. The earth is the Lord’s...and everything in it. I do not have to understand the why, but I do have to understand the reality of it being bigger than me.

I leave you with this, the realities of the God I love and the hope that He brings: 

Our firm decision is to work from this focused center: One man died for everyone. That puts everyone in the same boat. He included everyone in his death so that everyone could also be included in his life, a resurrection life, a far better life than people ever lived on their own.

Because of this decision we don't evaluate people by what they have or how they look. We looked at the Messiah that way once and got it all wrong, as you know. We certainly don't look at him that way anymore. Now we look inside, and what we see is that anyone united with the Messiah gets a fresh start, is created new. The old life is gone; a new life burgeons! Look at it! All this comes from the God who settled the relationship between us and him, and then called us to settle our relationships with each other. God put the world square with himself through the Messiah, giving the world a fresh start by offering forgiveness of sins. God has given us the task of telling everyone what he is doing. We're Christ's representatives. God uses us to persuade men and women to drop their differences and enter into God's work of making things right between them. We're speaking for Christ himself now: Become friends with God; he's already a friend with you.

How? You ask. In Christ. God put the wrong on him who never did anything wrong, so we could be put right with God.

 1 Corinthians 5:14-21 MSG

Sex, Love and Chocolate

My mother pointed out today that the V word is coming up soon (I think really soon, but gotta check my calendar to be certain). Thanks Mum for that. I am remembering why this holiday should be banned from a national roster. And not that I am one of those jaded girls who’s embittered about not having a hot date, but more importantly I am a bit tired of explaining my singleness to others. I am 28, and very single. I am 28 and probably the happiest, most satisfied, and content than I have ever been during my swift stay on this planet. At this very moment I am learning how to cook and keep my house clean, learning how to create, and learning how to love. All these things are possible outside of a romantic relationship. I enjoy the place where I am, and understand that this may not be where I stay, or it just might. Either way I am content.

I am learning there is more depth to Love than you may ever dream. What a desperate lie we try and sell ourselves by believing that romantic love is all there ever will be, should be or needs to be. If you build your life around that sand-pit, I do believe that your life will be very empty and void of some of the deepest treasures ever found. Culturally we are taught that romance is all there is.  We are sold this crap about physical lust that feeds off of our very souls. All of you who have read this blog for a while know where I came from. My testimony is freedom from lust, pornography, alcohol, sexual addiction and abuse, shopping, nicotine… and the list continues. I do not bring this list to attention to glorify myself by saying: “look at what I did”, nor to shame myself by carrying these with me through life. I want it to be heard that I have freedom today. I have a new name, I am not the same broken, passion-seeking whore that I was. I am remade, whole and unstained. Freedom reins in my heart.  I do not seek perfection, but hope to bring honor to the One who brought me back to life.

That being said, I am learning about different facets of love. I used to believe the lie that sex and true love went hand in hand; I thought that sex was an integral part of the love equation.  Not simply a strong part of the equation, but a huge portion of love. Somewhere in American media, there is a lie that is being fed to young girls everywhere that for a boy to love and adore you, you must offer yourself as a body sacrifice. Levels of this horrid lie are permeating even into Churches across the nation.  Let me tell it to you straight men, girls are not stupid. They see the way that you look at the models on the runway, they see your soul light up when the blond bombshell walks past, and they know you are addicted to pornography. They know. Because of a misconnect girls think that sex will bind a boys attention to them. Not true, there is a line that we all cross, there are lies that we all believe in. There is a better way.

Every relationship I have ever been in has been twisted. I honestly am the worst go-to for advice when it comes to relationship issues. All I know is how to fail miserably at it. I am learning though, and although I have much room to grow, I do have some ideas about how not to fall into the same pit of despair as before. They are not tested, so please no hate mail, y’all! I see that there is a cultural overemphasis on sex. Sex is like salt. It brings out the flavor of a meal. It does wonderful and amazing things to bring zing to your favorite foods. There is a problem though when you take this magnificent seasoning and try to make a meal of it. Too much salt and you have ruined your whole dish. Sex, or at least an obsession of sex, cannot be what you build a relationship on. What would happen if your spouse has an accident and is now a paraplegic? Or if you are with someone who has had some sexual abuse, and suddenly sex is near torture to him or her? If your whole relationship is based on physical reciprocation, how then can you stand together, when one is weak?

The hype of Valentines Day is hard to trudge through, this day causes so many deeply wounded folks to take one day and worship it. As if one day dedicated to love, lust and passion will fill the void that grows deeper in their depths. We all who are single are pitied. There are more blind dates shoved on us, silly mothers trying to get us to meet their “stellar” children and couples telling us that there is still hope. I am so thankful that my life doesn’t hang on a precipice waiting for Mr. Right to come galloping in on his super fly ride, taking me away and “saving” me from a life of weary loneliness. As if! I have such a full community that I am a part of. I have worth that is defined neither by the diamond on my finger, or the man on my arm. I am sinking into the depths of love in every avenue of my life. C.S. Lewis places love into categories like so: Affection, Friendship, Eros (being “in love”), and Charity. If my whole life is fed into the smallest facet of only one of the tines of love, there is much that I am missing. Not only in love as a whole but also Eros as a whole is much deeper and more sacred than a lustful addiction.  What an honor it is to me, that this year I get to celebrate Love in a fuller and more meaningful way.  This year I get to be embraced, by deep friendships, have my heart torn up over sex trafficking, and child slavery.  I get to love and be loved in a way that a piece of candy or bouquet of flowers, followed by the pressure to have the best date ever, can bring. Meaning in a way that I have never understood before.

This year on Valentines Day, I would ask that your look into your heart. What are you lusting after? Is it fulfilling? What are you pining for? Will spending more time and focus on it bring contentment? Is it making you a better person? Is it growing you closer to meaning? If you have had your heart pricked in any way, I would love to extend the invitation to a conversation. There is a better and more satisfying life. And hear this: sex is healthy BUT only inside of a healthy relationship! Lets talk about it! Please feel free to ask me anything. I am very open to where I came from and who I am being made into today.

Since I have you here I am going to promote a near and dear cause of mine. This Saturday at Jives and this Sunday at Yoebel Market will be showing the realities of “The Dark Side of Chocolate.” There is a very real atrocity that is attached to the yummy bits of dark glory that will be sold by the tons this weekend. Little children are forced to harvest the coco beans that are used in your favorite chocolate. Maybe it is time to learn how to love in a different way. Check out the trailer here. Come and let your heart blossom for these lovely babes who are tortured for our carnal pleasure. 

Youth renewed – Ray Ortlund

“You are surprised that the world is losing its grip, that the world is grown old?  Think of a man: he is born, he grows up, he becomes old.  Old age has its many complaints: coughing, shaking, failing eyesight, anxious, terribly tired.  A man grows old; he is full of complaints.  The world is old; it is full of pressing tribulations. . . . Do not hold onto the old man, the world; do not refuse to regain your youth in Christ, who says to you, ‘The world is passing away, the world is losing its grip, the world is short of breath.  Do not fear.  Thy youth shall be renewed as an eagle.’”

Augustine, quoted in Peter Brown, Augustine of Hippo (Berkeley, 1967), pages 297-298.

via thegospelcoalition.org

I am a sucker for good words and beautiful art. Ray Ortlund is consistent in providing both. I would highly recommend adding this feed to your RSS reader, or subscribing via e-mail. On that note, maybe I'll do a post soon on my favorite blogs. Or I could install a click through list of links on this site...options are glorious, eh?

Cadence Revisited

These etchings mark the noise of my soul, begging you, to take heed of the proof of something deeper inside of you. It rages for freedom like a caged animal, whining, whimpering and even at times, lashing out. It moves you to feel, some days, things you thought you were void of. Your reality hangs heavy over you like a thick winter fog. It pushes you deeper into yourself. It peddles loneliness and despair. Its cold will saturate your inmost being.

There is death here.

It is always darkest before truth is found. Like a cadence, rhythmically, night turns to day. Slowly, when all is thought lost, in the darkest hours, the sun breaks free of its horizon. Darkness no longer has any hold here. Mesmerizingly bright, this intense orb of radiating truth blazes up over the line of sight. Its hot pink rays obliterate all shards of darkness. In time the inescapable heat melts through the oppression.

Hope is alive.
Faith is reborn.
The soul is unlocked.
Made new.
Revived.

Darkness will always come; when at it’s thickest though, you cannot forget to believe in the unseen. As surely as there is dark, There will always be light to counter it. There will always be a sunrise. There will always be a breakthrough. There will always be a reason to hope. Joy truly does come in the morning.

 

Painting Atributed to Rembrandt

1650-1652

"The Descent frm the Cross" or "De kruisafnemin"

the Truth is, it Hurts

It is amazing to me that I am willing to pay four bucks for a latte, but feel guilty about “splurging” on a five dollar album from amazon. I can buy things to improve my state of being, but can’t buy stamps to send others encouragement. How pathetic. I am seeing so many skewed values that I have in my life, and priorities that are misaligned.

Gr. I’m having a hard week. I feel like phrase is on repeat. Learning that it is okay to say: “I hurt today” or, “sorry I haven’t seen you in months, but I have to go home and sleep...some more!” I feel like I want to crawl out of my skin right now. It is probably the meds. Last week I was so emo. Like crying over nothing, emo. This week I am irritated at the world. I’m frustrated with my limitations, I am frustrated that my only way of being close to those I love is to friggin facebook stalk them, because I am so outside of their world. Stupid facebook and its over arching removal of intimacy.

I’m annoyed because I want to “DO”, yet all I can muster up today is a feeble “BE”. I don’t really know how to “BE”. I know how to fill every waking moment with busy moments, busy conversations, busy informational gatherings, busy artistic outbursts...busy, buSY, BUSY!!!!!!!!!

Enough. Apparently God is STILL trying to get my attention. SLOW DOWN!!! I honestly don’t understand how I could go any slower, but I am sure He could find a way. I am positive the God of the Universe, in all His wisdom and infinite power, could figure out how to slow me down even further.

As I begin to accept this reality and season, I am trying to love God. He has me here for a reason. There is so much pride that is shattering my world apart right now. I am again weighing the difference of the idol of Intellect I have and the gift of Wisdom that comes from God. In seeing the huge amount of love I carry within myself yet cannot give to others, I hold myself in much esteem. I also hold God in a very low view. I pity myself and disbelieve that God could stoop to my level “get dirty” as it were. How foolish I am! Is that not what the entire life of Christ was about? 

He walked everywhere, just like I do. 

His shoes were nowhere near as high quality as mine.

He was “poor” by human standards. 

Did not own a house.

Did not crave Glory and Honor.

Did not consider equality with God something attainable.

  FOLKS: HE. WAS. GOD.

God as man did not consider-think about and be drawn toward, believe or regard-that equality with God was even worth putting effort towards. If I am being made like Christ, then I might just have to think about this a bit deeper. Am I trying to become something of worth by “DOING” so to prove to God that He can love me? 

Do I think equality with the INFINITE achievable? Do I as a finite creature, go out of my way to prove WORTH by DOING? What can I do that will ever come close to the exact opposite of me?  Wow. What a high view I have of myself. What a poor and tiny view I have of the Infinite Cosmic Glory that comes with GOD. Outside of all my comprehension, yet HE stooped to my level. Made Himself human, to intervene in my life. What a way to flip this story on it’s head. What a simple way to take the brokenness out of the picture. How creative can you get? 

We say that God doesn’t understand our pain, our hurts, our hearts, YET He WAS in our shoes. HE WAS HUMAN, with all the brokenness and abuse and pain that came with that. He chose to stoop down and take all the shame of being human-not only personally but, corporately. He placed his Glory on me, that I may enjoy the truth. 

What beauty I am finding in Philipians 2:

  ¹ Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, ² then make my joy complete by being like- minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. ³ Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, ⁴ not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.

  ⁵ In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus:

 ⁶ Who, being in very nature^[a^] God,
    did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage;
⁷ rather, he made himself nothing
   by taking the very nature^[b^] of a servant,
    being made in human likeness.
⁸ And being found in appearance as a man,
   he humbled himself
    by becoming obedient to death—
       even death on a cross!

 ⁹ Therefore God exalted him to the highest place
   and gave him the name that is above every name,
¹⁰ that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow,
   in heaven and on earth and under the earth,
¹¹ and every tongue acknowledge that Jesus Christ is Lord,
    to the glory of God the Father.

Do Everything Without Grumbling

  ¹² Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed—not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence—continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, ¹³ for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose.

 ¹⁴ Do everything without grumbling or arguing, ¹⁵ so that you may become blameless and pure, “children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation.”^[c^] Then you will shine among them like stars in the sky ¹⁶ as you hold firmly to the word of life. And then I will be able to boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labor in vain. ¹⁷ But even if I am being poured out like a drink offering on the sacrifice and service coming from your faith, I am glad and rejoice with all of you. ¹⁸ So you too should be glad and rejoice with me.

                    _______________________________________________

I tend to see the sparkle in verse 15b-16a: “Then you will shine among them like stars in the sky as you hold firmly to the word of life”.

I forget what was said earlier in the chapter: “have the same mindset as Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death—even death on a cross!”

Shining like stars hurts. It is not simple, or lovely or pretty. It is a brutal love. Love that means something. Love that I can’t portray on my own. Love that will overpower all the bad with Good. Love that has lifted my bondage. Love that stepped into my shoes, quite literally. Love that overcomes every broken facet of my life. Jesus LOVES me. 

Now in return I get to Love God and Love others. 

What a concept.