the living dead.

i feel like a hamster on a wheel.

my.

mind.

will.

not.

stop.

the closet of my mind is so dusty.

i think the lightbulb need changing.

i wonder why i haven't done that yet?

ah yes.

i remember.

the skeletons.

there are many.

they are ugly.

they are decaying.

i'm hiding them.

if you see them maybe you will think less of me?

if you know where they come from, will you want one too?

were do i even dispose of them?

i tried moving one once and it was so weighty.

so, so heavy.

that's what the closet is for.

i'm hiding.

problem is, i could use the space.

what is true freedom?

i.

want.

to.

be.

able.

to.

forgive.

myself.

i.

want.

to.

see.

beyond.

the.

shame.

i.

want.

to.

understand.

i.

want.

to.

be.

free.

i feel like i got hit by a 2x4

...and it's a good thing.

this tale starts about 4-6 years ago (i'd give you a better time frame but that part of my life runs together like a milky, hazy, strange chaos so this is the best i can do for you) i started going to church. i had fallen off the deep end, or backslid as it is also known, and it was scaring the poo out of me. with no real intention of it being any good, i went. i actually liked it. the pastor met me at the double doors and with a friendly smile stated that he hadn't seen me in a while and hoped i wasn't into any trouble. i chuckled nervously and said something cheesy like "you know it!". my smile faded as i got into the auditorium and thought to myself how this guy must be a mind reader!

i made it through the service alive and thought nothing of it again until one of my friends invited me to a concert he was putting on. it happened to be at the same church, so i went out of obligation. i sat on the back row and congratulated my friend when he was finished. he introduced me to some friends of his and we all hit it off instantly. soon we were bff’s hanging out almost everyday. i had never met people like this. they seemed so real. they told me stories of past lives and reformations. drugs, sex, cars, alcohol, near-death experiences and a new life for the better. it almost seemed like these kids were too good to be true. they encouraged me to keep going to church with them. so i did. not because i got anything out of it, but because i was intrigued.

one night i’ll never forget, we had decided to go up to the mountains and hang out. we finally found a spot, started a fire and started talking. i remember the topic moved to GOD very quickly. i don’t remember much, but i know that someone asked me something and i freaked out and shut down. they kept pressing and tried to get me to open up. truth was i had nothing to say. no foundation, no “relationship”, no understanding. they were talking about something trivial like calvinism vs armenianism and here i was asking in my head: is there even a GOD??

after that night everything changed. i kept putting up walls to hide behind. i had played the “good christian” kid so they thought i was one. they began to critique the way i lived. they thought they were doing a service to me as a part of my “family” but i felt judged. they pulled out verse after verse from the bible and began getting all spiritual and i just couldn’t comprehend it. i started to hate them. soon after i stopped going to church and started drinking again. i felt the bar was a better fit for me; no one asked me any questions there, no one cared what i did or didn’t do, no one ever said i wasn’t good enough and no one ever asked about GOD.

lets pick up the story again at the present day. where were we??

ah yes. i feel like i have been hit by a 2x4.

that’s it precisely.

for years i have been hurt by those kids, i have hated them and the church because they “judged” me. i held over their heads they were the reason for my own downfall. “oh if they had treated me better, then i wouldn’t have found my rock-bottom” i used to say. well, yesterday i had plenty of time to think. i was alone, painting an apartment. it was quiet, except for the gale force winds that were rushing through my head. i felt that if my torrential thoughts fell any faster i might have made it to the insane asylum that night. during the hurricane of reasoning i came across the aforementioned memory.

now if you have ever been in a huge storm right in the center is what is called the “eye of the storm” this was where everything around you is black, thick walls of moving cloud, but where you are is completely still. there is a sense of false peace. depending on how massive the storm is how long your peace lasts. my peace was about seven minutes.

after my seven minutes of peace, a dead weight began to grow in my stomach. i was hit with the reality that i have become that person that i hated for so long. i am the one who assumes i know who you are and pushes you to be something you might not be ready for. i ask questions, but the ones that shut you down, not the ones that help you grow. i am the very thing that made me walk away those 4-6 years ago.

in the hurricane of my soul, the realizations hit over and over, my nievety and uncoordinated efforts at DOING again are taking over. this is not how this story is supposed to go. there is one thing, and one thing alone that i have learned thus far: I CAN DO NOTHING!! anytime i step in and try to take on others burdens or fix a situation or console a bleeding heart i tend to cause more damage than healing.

a 2x4 does a lot of damage, so does a tropical storm. i have found solace. the storm has moved on. yet here am i once again changed. once again in the midst of transition. my head hurts, but so much better now than in 35+ years when i have done more damage than i can undo.

my apologies to all.
i am praying for compassion.

confessions in sobriety

hello my name is Stephanie Augustine

i am a recovering alcoholic.

i need you to know this, because it is part of who i was.

this is who i WAS, no longer who i am.

my soul was beaten up and bruised, so i self-medicated. i used. i used the people around me for emotional support. i used cigarettes to help me cope. i used shopping for therapy.

all this did was muffle the sounds of my dying soul. she wasn't dead yet, she was just alive for all the wrong reasons.

pain causes people to function in strange ways. instead of handling things we tend to try and hide it. we lie to ourselves that everything is ok. we try and pretend that all is well.

the harsh reality is that when i "cope" it is not dealing with anything. my form of coping gets me into debt, gives me cancer, and takes away my inhibitions. this is not living.

coping is not living in reality. coping turns into a circus show. reality still exists, but i'm to busy coping to see it.

yesterday i wanted a cig. it was all i could think of. why? well, it is what i have always run to when things get bumpy. get in a fight with my dad: smoke, break-up with another deadbeat guy: smoke, go to another custody hearing about my siblings: smoke, have to deal with the realities of myself...

yesterday i didn't smoke. i didn't drink. i didn't cope.

yesterday i hurt. i stepped into the dark tunnel that is the fear of hurting. i cried. i prayed. i learned something about the character of GOD. how he speaks. how i'm not content to hear it. i listened to someone who knows more about GOD than i can properly parrot. i went on an hour long walk and prayed for you. prayed for me.

still i am learning how to live free. this is a process. there are still dark desires in my soul. they still exist to show me that i am infinitely human. that i am in desperate need of a savior. that i could not be here by my own choice. i cannot be here by my own will.

coping never got me anything, except more hurt.

so when JESUS stepped in and changed my life, it wasn't that my desires are suddenly changed. it is that he is something i cannot re create on my own. he has brought me to a place that i could never get to. freedom is not something i can attain on my own. it is a place that i could never see, nor would i ever be able to impersonate.

today my life is different. i want you to know that this is bigger than just a coping mechanism.

Galatians 5:1
For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery.

i am free today. no longer a slave. no longer a user. this i will stand firm in. i will be intentional in staying here.

hope, mercy, truth, grace.

at this very moment words forsake me. i cannot utter what i mean, and the few shabby attempts i have tested do not even shape the picture i would like to form in your perceptions.

i feel at this point in time, more human than i have ever been. i know my reality has not changed. no, the way i am seeing has. two very significant things are prevalent in my view right now: taylor ashley and haiti.

at this second i am moved to tears by a note that was handed to me in the hustle and bustle of today. "that 180 you did a year ago was not for your sake. It was for GOD's, for his love for you is great, and he couldn't dare watch you suffer anymore." it said. it reminds me that my love is weak. that i am so small. that except by the mighty hand of GOD i would be back in my hell. i remember those days very clearly. they press on my soul daily. my pain was great, the effects i had were drastic on those around me. i was depressed, suffocated, self-medicated and forgotten.

i was forgotten by everyone. i was too far gone to be saved. i was too far inside myself to hear or see truth.

except.

except GOD.
there is no reason in the world that i should be here today, standing transparent before you except by the grace of GOD. today once again i say this: there is a life worth living. there is a hope for you. there is something bigger than the emptiness you feel. i know this because i have lived it. i have been given a second chance. my empty life now has meaning. i am no longer hurting.

i have been made whole.

this has a lot of me in it, but the reality is that this has nothing to do with me. Jesus Christ is the meaning in my days, my nights, my triumphs and my travesties. i pray that you may find the Truth. that your life will be revived.

almost a year ago i found something to live for. today i saw that being acted out. one of the first people that i met after i walked out of death and into life was a young man who has become like a brother to me. today with a brave face and an assurance of a HOPE bigger than any can comprehend, he left everything to bring this very same hope to GERMANY. in awe i stand before God who loves all. who hears all. who suffered for all.

this brings me full circle to haiti. there, in the devastation of everything they have ever known is one thing: GOD. some might ask why would GOD let this happen? why would anything bad like this, be let forth by a GOD who is supposedly good? the answer i have for you is harsh. this has happend because of my sin. this has happened because of your sin. the reality that i live another day is GRACE itself in abundance. the reality that i can live another day speaks volumes in the language of MERCY.

God whispers in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: it is His megaphone to a deaf world. C.S.Lewis

and so i feel human today. more than i ever have in my small existence. the reality of bigness outside of my understanding overwhelms me. the unity of people is astounding. the treasure of TRUTH in my own life is staggering. all i could do in response of this magnitude is to worship. to weep. to pray. to paint. to write. i leave you with this: Isaiah 61:1-3. this was written when no hope could be found. when all was lost. when there was no more home or stability. when the people had nothing.

except God.

The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon me,

because the LORD has anointed me

to bring good news to the poor;

he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,

to proclaim liberty to the captives,

and the opening of the prison to those who are bound;

to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor,

and the day of vengeance of our God;

to comfort all who mourn;

to grant to those who mourn in Zion—

to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes,

the oil of gladness instead of mourning,

the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit;

that they may be called oaks of righteousness,

the planting of the LORD, that he may be glorified

a cadence

these etchings mark the noise of my soul, begging you, to take heed of the proof of something deeper inside of you. it rages for freedom like a caged animal, whining, whimpering and even at times, lashing out. it moves you to feel, some days, things you thought you were void of. your reality hangs heavy over you like a thick winter fog. it pushes you deeper into yourself. it peddles loneliness and despair. its cold will saturate your inmost being.

there is death here.

it is always darkest before truth is found. like a cadence, rhythmically, night turns to day. slowly, when all is thought lost, in the darkest hours, the sun breaks free of its horizon. darkness no longer has any hold here. mesmerizingly bright, this intense orb of radiating truth blazes up over the line of sight. its hot pink rays obliterate all shards of darkness. in time the inescapable heat melts through the oppression.

hope is alive.
faith is reborn.
the soul is unlocked.
made new.
revived.

darkness will always come. when at it’s thickest though, you cannot forget to believe in the unseen. as surely as there is dark, there will always be light to counter it. there will always be a sunrise. there will always be a breakthrough. there will always be a reason to hope. joy truly does come in the morning.

resoulute.

with childlike anticipation and seeing the world with eyes of CHRIST i read this and was shaken.
i love the way this is presented. i hope continue to see the world as a creation revealing the glory of the creator.

10 Resolutions for Mental Health
October 22, 1976, Clyde Kilby


Psalm 19:1“The sky is telling the glory of God.”


1. At least once every day I shall look steadily up at the sky and remember that I, a
consciousness with a conscience, am on a planet traveling in space with
wonderfully mysterious things above and about me.

2. Instead of the accustomed idea of a mindless and endless evolutionary change to which we can neither add nor subtract, I shall suppose the universe guided by an Intelligence which, as Aristotle said of Greek drama, requires a beginning, a middle, and an end.

I think this will save me from the cynicism expressed by Bertrand
Russell before his death when he said: "There is darkness without, and when I
die there will be darkness within. There is no splendor, no vastness anywhere,
only triviality for a moment, and then nothing."

3. I shall not fall into the falsehood that this day, or any day, is merely another ambiguous and plodding twenty-four hours, but rather a unique event, filled, if I so wish, with worthy potentialities.

I shall not be fool enough to suppose that trouble and pain are wholly evil parentheses in my existence, but just as likely ladders to be climbed toward moral and spiritual manhood.

4. I shall not turn my life into a thin, straight line which prefers abstractions to reality. I shall know what I am doing when I abstract, which of course I shall often have to do.

5. I shall not demean my own uniqueness by envy of others. I shall stop boring into myself to discover what psychological or social categories I might belong to. Mostly I shall simply forget about myself and do my work.

6. I shall open my eyes and ears. Once every day I shall simply
stare at a tree, a flower, a cloud, or a person. I shall not then be concerned
at all to ask what they are but simply be glad that they are. I shall joyfully
allow them the mystery of what Lewis calls their "divine, magical, terrifying
and ecstatic" existence.

7. I shall sometimes look back at the freshness
of vision I had in childhood and try, at least for a little while, to be, in the
words of Lewis Carroll, the "child of the pure unclouded brow, and dreaming eyes
of wonder."

8. I shall follow Darwin's advice and turn frequently to
imaginative things such as good literature and good music, preferably, as Lewis
suggests, an old book and timeless music.

9. I shall not allow the
devilish onrush of this century to usurp all my energies but will instead, as
Charles Williams suggested, "fulfill the moment as the moment." I shall try to
live well just now because the only time that exists is now.

10. Even if
I turn out to be wrong, I shall bet my life on the assumption that this world is
not idiotic, neither run by an absentee landlord, but that today, this very day,
some stroke is being added to the cosmic canvas that in due course I shall
understand with joy as a stroke made by the architect who calls himself Alpha
and Omega.

i found this on john piper's website, here is the original link: http://www.desiringgod.org/Blog/2161_10_resolutions_for_mental_health/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+DGBlog+%28DG+Blog%29&utm_content=Twitter

decopauge

...i need to learn how.

i want:
resin
turpentine
one large lace tablecloth
vintage postcards (or old pictures)
black, red, silver, gold, rust, green, grey, lavender spray paint
vintage keys and key holes
large washers
handmade necklace chains
material for clouds
a leather working kit
vintage ceiling tiles
watercolors
glue (some of every kind)

my brain is racing
i can't catch up.