hope, mercy, truth, grace.

at this very moment words forsake me. i cannot utter what i mean, and the few shabby attempts i have tested do not even shape the picture i would like to form in your perceptions.

i feel at this point in time, more human than i have ever been. i know my reality has not changed. no, the way i am seeing has. two very significant things are prevalent in my view right now: taylor ashley and haiti.

at this second i am moved to tears by a note that was handed to me in the hustle and bustle of today. "that 180 you did a year ago was not for your sake. It was for GOD's, for his love for you is great, and he couldn't dare watch you suffer anymore." it said. it reminds me that my love is weak. that i am so small. that except by the mighty hand of GOD i would be back in my hell. i remember those days very clearly. they press on my soul daily. my pain was great, the effects i had were drastic on those around me. i was depressed, suffocated, self-medicated and forgotten.

i was forgotten by everyone. i was too far gone to be saved. i was too far inside myself to hear or see truth.

except.

except GOD.
there is no reason in the world that i should be here today, standing transparent before you except by the grace of GOD. today once again i say this: there is a life worth living. there is a hope for you. there is something bigger than the emptiness you feel. i know this because i have lived it. i have been given a second chance. my empty life now has meaning. i am no longer hurting.

i have been made whole.

this has a lot of me in it, but the reality is that this has nothing to do with me. Jesus Christ is the meaning in my days, my nights, my triumphs and my travesties. i pray that you may find the Truth. that your life will be revived.

almost a year ago i found something to live for. today i saw that being acted out. one of the first people that i met after i walked out of death and into life was a young man who has become like a brother to me. today with a brave face and an assurance of a HOPE bigger than any can comprehend, he left everything to bring this very same hope to GERMANY. in awe i stand before God who loves all. who hears all. who suffered for all.

this brings me full circle to haiti. there, in the devastation of everything they have ever known is one thing: GOD. some might ask why would GOD let this happen? why would anything bad like this, be let forth by a GOD who is supposedly good? the answer i have for you is harsh. this has happend because of my sin. this has happened because of your sin. the reality that i live another day is GRACE itself in abundance. the reality that i can live another day speaks volumes in the language of MERCY.

God whispers in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: it is His megaphone to a deaf world. C.S.Lewis

and so i feel human today. more than i ever have in my small existence. the reality of bigness outside of my understanding overwhelms me. the unity of people is astounding. the treasure of TRUTH in my own life is staggering. all i could do in response of this magnitude is to worship. to weep. to pray. to paint. to write. i leave you with this: Isaiah 61:1-3. this was written when no hope could be found. when all was lost. when there was no more home or stability. when the people had nothing.

except God.

The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon me,

because the LORD has anointed me

to bring good news to the poor;

he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,

to proclaim liberty to the captives,

and the opening of the prison to those who are bound;

to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor,

and the day of vengeance of our God;

to comfort all who mourn;

to grant to those who mourn in Zion—

to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes,

the oil of gladness instead of mourning,

the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit;

that they may be called oaks of righteousness,

the planting of the LORD, that he may be glorified