I am Unable, but if I had a Boat I'd Sail to You

I am unable and this is killing my pride, my drive and my purpose in your life. 

I am sick, and have been for a bit. I am physically challenged by the hurdles my body is putting me through. I barely have enough resolve to get up in the morning.

And yet, people are blowing up my phone. Not in a "do you need some chicken soup?" kind of way. But more in the sense of “why can you not help me…still?" kind of way. Through this I am seeing that I have done a very good job of making myself needed in other peoples lives. I believe that this is out of fear. I do not want to be alone. I easily believe the lie that If people need me they will call me. If they don’t need me then I am not worth their time. At this moment, I just need to be. I cannot help. I cannot hold anyone up and I definitely cannot muster up the stamina for hours of listening to others hard times.

Truth: This season is so good for my soul. I am not God, yet have I tried to be for others? I am not God, yet have I tried to be in my own life? As I continue to pair down my life and continue to say no (quite repetitively and usually with tears in my eyes), I am realizing that this moment is not about them. God is doing a work in me, and I can’t get in the way of it. Yes, I love people, yes, I love to help them, but how can I do that well if I am not ok? Instead of responding in love all I can do in this moment is be sad and spiteful.

The heart of man is dark and just like the silver refining process it takes a lot of heat to bring out and separate the evil from the good. A silversmith will place a blob of a mix of metals and rocks onto a large spoon, place it in a hot fire to melt it down. He then pulls it out and rising to the surface are the “impurities”. How many times does this happen? Until he sees his own reflection in the silver, not one spec of the contaminate can remain. As I am in a season of hot fire, melting down, some impurities are rising to the surface. This is a good thing. Maybe I’m not the “happiest” to be around right now, but in this moment I see that God is good and that he is doing good in my life.

God brings joy, but I do not believe that happy and joyful are synonymous. 

I will not sit here and laugh away the hurt. I will not push away the feelings that this brings up. I will not pretend this is easy. 

I will get up in the morning, I will love Jesus more at the end of this, I will see the bigger picture of this season in my life. 

I usually do not read lyrics when people put them in blogs, so I will not be offended if you do not either. This song is on my heart though and fits this moment just right. Really truly and honestly if I had a way I would have coffee, or do voice teachings, or do bible study and street walking, I'd do your hair and take you shopping, I would have sleepovers and dinners, I'd have girl time and game nights, I would go to your parties, events, adventures and see you in concert.

But I do not have a boat, so I will slowly swim pointed north and hope that the shore breaks into view sooner than later. 

If I Had  a Boat

verse 1

burn slow, burning up the back wall
long roads, where the city meets the sky
most days, most days stay the sole same
please stay, for this fear it will not die

chorus

if i had a boat, i would sail to you
hold you in my arms, ask you to be true
once i had a dream, it died long before
now i’m pointed north, hoping for the shore

verse 2

down low, down amongst the thorn rows
weeds grow, through the lillies and the vine
birds play, try to find their own way
soft clay, on your feet and under mine

chorus

bridge

breaking at the seams
heaving at the brace
sheets all billowing
the breaking of the day
sea is not my friend
seasons they conspire
still i choose to swim
slip beneath the tide

once i had a dream
once i had a hope
that was yesterday
not so long ago
this is not the end
this is just the world
such a foolish thing
such an honest girl

chorus

James Vincent McMorrow

A Light in This Dark Semester

A redefining of the term Worldview:

"A recognition that a worldview is not just a set of basic concepts but a fundamental orientation of the heart. Second it is an explicit insistence that at the deepest root of a worldview is its commitment to and understanding of the 'really real.' Third is a consideration of behavior in the determination of what one's own or another's worldview really is. Fourth is a broader understanding of how worldviews are grasped as story, not just as abstract propositions... Let the rethinking begin." James W. Sire in Rethinking the Elephant

Amen. 

I already love this Worldview/Philosophy class.

Titles are Redundant and Dreaming is Hard but Hard does not Always Infer Negativity

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           I have been overusing my mind of late. I am currently enrolled in Colorado Christian University’s College of Adult and Graduate Studies. That is all just some fancy verbiage for online courses. It is honestly a sweet gig, I get to take six week courses. Yes that is right, some crazy person drummed up the idea of six-week intense bimester in which they take everything in a traditional semester and whittle it down into a whirlwind of information blasting through your brain. Ouch. It is hard!

            Also I have gotten a new job at a sweet coffee house and roaster. The schedule is constant. I always work the same shift every day, and I love the atmosphere. I still don’t have a car these days but “The Factory” is only 1.7 miles from my house, so I bike to work. It is so great to wake up the tired muscles before I get to work. I really enjoy it most days, but if you live in Colorado or have ever visited here you know that the weather here is CRAZY. One day it will be 75 and the next it is barely able to conjure up 45.

It would seem that Mother Nature has something against early morning bike riders, as I have experienced every type of radical weather that starts five minutes after I leave my house and usually is over about five minutes after I get to work. Snowstorm, rainstorms, windstorms, bitter cold, and unusually warm and foggy mornings have all occurred in the last three weeks. Another whirlwind of extra information that has to compute through my brain. Even if you check the weather report before you leave the house, the likelihood it is wrong is about 95%. At least the meteorologists are consistent, eh?

All this information sits in my head and I have to get it out, so here at the blog there seems to be a theme of purging and squeezing out the proverbial sponge that is my mind. Something that has been a recurrent theme in my mind that needs to come out is the idea of home. What is home and how do I find it are two questions that beat heavily on my heart. The American Dream of a house with a white picket fence, a loyal dog and a family that loves, honors and respects me growing up to fulfill my legacy on this earth is so seductive. I must admit, I have dreamed along with its luring tones at times.

Are we not called to something better here on earth, though? I believe in taking the opportunities I am given. Take this new job, I was not looking for a new job, yet this one fell in my lap. The raise was significant enough to start paying down debts and save a bit of money, something I have never had the ability to accomplish. I saw that the opportunity provided was significant and it would have been stupid not to take the position. On this earth, as Christians we are granted the beautiful gift of the restoration. It begins on earth and the culmination of this process ends when we are met face to face by the Creator. Finally restored to do the very thing we were made from the beginning to be, reflections of His glory, image bearers of the Most High God, worshippers of the King of Kings. What a beautiful thought!

I crave that day. I crave the moment when the entire world is made right. When every longing of my soul brings me to Him, the One whose love has shifted my whole reality and being. The thing I must remember is that day is not here yet. I do not yet desire fully the things that draw me closer to God. I am a weak being with weak desires and vivid fantasy’s of how God should be enacting this out in my life. In reading about the Israelites in the Old Testament, I see how truly weak the heart of man actually is. The consistency of which they desert God, and fly after their own fantasies believing in fulfilling their own destiny makes for a redundant story. It also makes me ask: Is this my story? Am I seeking the desires of God’s own heart or mine?

I think that most times the desires I have within me are evil. At this point in my life I know that there are so many shiny things that capture my attention easily, and honestly I ride with them most times. I love God, but the truth is I cannot love Him rightly, without His help. I need God, to love God. It is such an out of the box line of thinking that my brain struggles with! I need God to love God! So today, as I awoke with dreams of a house of my own and kids that share my DNA, I realize that I have been called to such a time as THIS. The future is near, tomorrow will come, but as Mathew 6:25-34 reads:

Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

 

I read this and wonder: Am I consistently seeking the Kingdom of God and HIS righteousness, OR my own? All definitions of the word righteousness infer goodness. By definition as a Christian, I believe that all men are innately evil. So once again, if I am seeking my own righteousness through my own desires, I am trying to climb a mountain that doesn’t even exist! Dreams are good, if God inspires them. My dream is to love Him the best I can during my short stay on earth. If that means a husband, a house, a dog, and some crazy kid with mohawks, then so be it. If that means I get to worship God more specifically by myself, then so be it. Sufficient is today its own worries and if I am so consumed in the future, I will simply let the Glory of today slip right through my fingertips.

That is really what it comes down to, eh? What did you do with today? Not where are you going? But what are you doing today? The end goal is supremely bitter if all you did to get there was coast. If it cost you much and took more from you than you thought you had in you, then the reward of the endpoint is that much sweeter. After a jumbled bit of mumbling, I guess I will end here. If you believe the dream ahead of you is from God, then are you living honorably in today?           

Hebrews 3:12-19 seems a proper ending:

Take care, brothers, lest there be in any of you an evil, unbelieving heart, leading you to fall away from the living God. But exhort one another every day, as long as it is called "today," that none of you may be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin. For we have come to share in Christ, if indeed we hold our original confidence firm to the end. As it is said,

"Today, if you hear his voice, do not harden your hearts as in the rebellion."

 

For who were those who heard and yet rebelled? Was it not all those who left Egypt led by Moses? And with whom was he provoked for forty years? Was it not with those who sinned, whose bodies fell in the wilderness? And to whom did he swear that they would not enter his rest, but to those who were disobedient? So we see that they were unable to enter because of unbelief.

 

              What a fair warning. I think it is anyways. I earnestly seek the Heart of the King today and pray that my own rebellion will not hinder me from His heartbeat. I pray also for you that God will reveal what dreams that are awake in you, are His, and which are yours. What a great gift we have in the Holy Spirit, who can help us see the

the makings of enchantment

i woke up this morning disenchanted with the world,
it tasted flat-like a two week old opened can of pop.
my cereal box tells me that there are “so many ways to stay satisfied,”
which simply alludes to a never ending hunger that this box is trying to fill.

empty. desire. void. yearning. pining. longing. need.
ravenous.

america is known for its gluttony.
canadians and sweedes known for their necessity for peaceful integrity.
parisians have their fancy clothes and strong cafe′.
europeans are equated intrinsic worth by how their futbol team did today.
countries that are barren are given a ranking: “3rd world” we call them, as if this title will keep “us” from ever having to associate with “them”.

to generalize: people are known for what they love.
people are known by what they don’t love.
people are known by what they do.
people are known for what they are not doing.

people are desperate.

we are willing to sell our souls for loaves of bread.
the poorest of the poor giving up their children in hopes of a better day.
we drink our sorrows down the drain.
as if a mask of avoidance will dull the pain.

drugs. sex. violence. alcohol. shopping. pornography. lust. anger. rage. pride. abuse. greed. inactivity and lethargy.
discontent.

what a tidal wave of merchandise we have created to void ourselves of life.
these things rushing past us over a hundred miles an hour,
taking with them our houses of dignity,
our transportation to a better life,
our fields of dreams.

all this to cover a simple feeling of desolation.

we are left like japan.
naked and broken.
forlorn and torn.
empty with reactors ready to blow.

i woke up this morning disenchanted with the world.

but i am thankful there is more to me than this earth i see.
so full of its emptiness it causes within a mortal ache.
you see, we were made for more than this globe can ever afford.
have you found worth in the wining the dining or that crazy cool job offer?

this world left me naked and bare.
all i had left was wretchedness weakness and shame.
broken like a faithless bride found in her disgrace.

i was that girl ezekiel finds in a field wallowing and screaming in my own blood.
i was abhorred unloved and sinful to my core.
yet He took me in, clothed me bathed me found favor with me.
HE loved me.

i did not understand this depth of love.
how could this be real?
i knew what i was worth!
i knew of where i was found.
i knew what i was capable of.

so, once again: i trusted in my beauty “i made images of men and with them played the whore.”
YOU loved me, yet i hated You for it.
i couldn't fathom unrelenting love.
it was too hard to face.
i was too much to bear.

ezekiel 16 describes me best. “how sick is your heart! declares the Lord GOD, because you did all these things, the deeds of a brazen prostitute, yet you were not like a prostitute because you scorned payment.”

this story does not end here.
this world does not suffice.
to find our depth of worth, we have to pull our vision away from the micro.
we get so caught up in the details we miss the story line.
its time to go macro, pulling away from one face of misery,
to a bigger view of how life truly works.

we were made for more than this.
we were made.
first we have to understand this. we were made.
not by some happy accident or millions of years of pulling atoms together to make a face.
we were made.
we were made in an image.
image bearers some may say.

a cosmic Deity, who made us and placed us here.
so that we could understand that this world cannot fulfill.
no soulmate is perfect enough to fit our cravings.
for we were made with a desire that overrides.
“eternity is written into the hearts of man,” ecclesiastes vehemently cries.

WE WERE MADE FOR MORE THAN THIS!
the imperfection will most certainly pass away, when the perfection comes.

on a day very similar to this one, GOD became man and broke into this world.
the Christ was given to bear the burden, the shame, the pain, the sick and twisted longings and desires, the anger and the hurt.
on the Via Dolorosa, a panful journey indeed, he walked with the weight of humanity strapped to his back.
God took every moment of broken disenchantment as his own.
Christ is what Christ offers: perfect love.

we have now overcome.

not through any one thing that could ever be done, but in one moment when Jesus was crucified.
after going to the abyss and signing his name where mine should go,
he bought me with a price,
got up from the grave and rose forevermore!
i am no longer bound to this place, where moth and rust will one day destroy.
my passions are no longer chasing after a fleeting breeze.

I AM FREE! the chains are unbound, the pain is being unmade,the heart that once could not love, has found:

meaning, cosmic worth, value, dignity, validity, significance.
fulfilled.

like a butterfly who has burst out of its chrysalis i am finding who i was made to always be.
loved and in love with my bridegroom to be. awaiting the day when all will be as it should.
forever able to say: "enchante′, my love."

Reflections on Renewal

“But that is not the way you learned Christ!— assuming that you have heard about him and were taught in him, as the truth is in Jesus, to put off  your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness” (Ephesians 4:20 – 23).

“Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth” (Col 3:2).

“Therefore, preparing your minds for action, and being sober-minded, set your hope fully on the grace that will be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ” (1 Peter 1:13).

It is a tremendous thing when you are able to differentiate between an old way of living and a new one. When I was saved, I became new. There was a distinguishable difference in the way I lived, loved, and became. This is new nature is a bit like an override switch causing my sin nature to yield, yet the sin nature is still inside, begging to be free. I look at sin like a cancer, it has saturated my entire being to the DNA level; I have been given chemo, the Holy Spirit, to fight this sin inside of me. Thankfully, I know the end of this story, I am being renewed from glory to glory, and the sin nature will eventually be completely replaced with a completely healthy and whole self.

When I see the above verses, they make me think. What is going on in my head? Is everything that comes through the pathways I have created from past desires and temptations, actually good for me? How can I differentiate this old me and this new spirit in me? This looks like a continuous questioning of every thought I have that passes through my head. I ask is this coming form my new nature, my old self or is this the voice of God? I even have placed wise men and women in my life that can help me when I cannot determine the voice of the thought pattern I am in.

A carefully siphoned thought life is only a piece of the puzzle though. The word of God is a great place for renewal. Psalm 119:9-10 says: “How can a young man keep his way pure? By guarding it according to your word. With my whole heart I seek you; let me not wander from your commandments” (English Standard Version)! Renewing your mind with the truth of Scripture is vital for transformation. How can we be changing if we do not understand even the simplest tenants of our faith?

The reality is that we have some ability to gain freedom and when it is presented to us we should take it! 1 Corinthians 7:20-24 describes this beautifully:

Each one should remain in the condition in which he was called. Were you a slave when called? Do not be concerned about it. (But if you can gain your freedom, avail yourself of the opportunity.) For he who was called in the Lord as a slave is a freedman of the Lord. Likewise he who was free when called is a slave of Christ. You were bought with a price; do not become slaves of men. So, brothers, in whatever condition each was called, there let him remain with God (English Standard Version).

I will do whatever I can to “avail myself the opportunity” and renew my mind. One cannot forget that the only way we are saved is the grace of God consuming our lives, so I will glorify my King today wherever I am at; be it enslaved or completely free, to Him all honor goes.