random nothingness...or is it somethingness?

tested in this moment in this time and space. all else seems forgotten as i feel ever distant and falling from grace. shattering momentum breaks the silence this pendulum swings never seeking guidance. life invading ever changing expansive recreating renovating uploading and encoding these moments reacting to the ever evolving mass of revelation. 
stop
listen
this time break away
challenges unfolding anew. one step forward two steps back. one mountain climbed only to discover another range in view. with ferocious energy i continue on. i will make a difference today. i will make these moments count. one simple step at a time is all it takes.
happily i head towards the incline.
moving simply on. 
forever forward.
up and out.

breathtaking

life is not about the breaths you take... 

but about the moments that take your breath away.

   there comes a moment in life where you must take a step back and view the world for what it is. see the reality of who you are. where you have come from. where you are going. life is so short, but it is long also. the things that you say you cherish...are they even on your radar? the moments that make your day...do you even remember? shake yourself aware and stop the momentum of random movement...are you even going in a direction worthwhile?
   i have come to realise in the last few months that i have the most amazing family. we would do absolutely anything for each other. we are not perfect. we are not normal. we are not unblemished. but we are beautiful. we are fighters. we are the best. my mother is fighting tooth and nail for her kids to have a better life, while fighting the insane and lonely battle of ms. my sisters are trying to pick up the pieces of their shattered lack of a father. my brother is trying so hard to be a man without having one to look up to. i am trying to live.
   we are tight knit. we are lovers and haters. we are sinners and saints. we are movers and shakers. this uphill journey creates a bond that is thicker than blood. we will make it. if one falters there is a whole brood of helping hands pushing and fighting. we are finishers. 
   with every ounce of my being i love my family. thank you all for giving me a reason to love. you take my breath away.

truthfully me

i was contemplating the intricacies of beauty the other day as i was washing dishes. so many times people associate beauty as what you see on the outside, is your hair right? your make up perfect? your clothes the right brand?

growing up in an ultra conservative, right wing, home schooled family, i was raised with an emphasis on inner beauty. nothing was ever said about outer beauty though. i strove to cultivate my inner graces; honesty, trustworthiness, manners and grace. i tried to edit my posture and walk. trying to blend in with the outside world was always awkward for me. although i felt my beauty shining from within i could never see it in a mirror. i was awkward on the outside. in high school i quickly gained 60 pounds. the only time anyone mentioned my outer appearance was when i was eating. you can guess the negativity that transpired. i became afraid of eating publicly. i would eat small portions at meals and then scramble food away so i could eat in my room. i would never fall asleep at night until i had fed my void. i continued this downward spiral until i had reached an unhealthy 200 pounds for my 5'4" frame. i was humiliated by my appearance, but on the inside i was as beautiful as ever! my body image issues were continually compounded by a need for others to respect me. i was either completely ignored or quickly shut down in conversations.

there was absolutely no balance in my life. i became terrified of people. my inside and outside fighting a battle to be heard. as the days turned quickly into years i continued this cyclical journey. after i moved out of my parents and 2 years of college i had turned many fat cells into muscle, but the wear on my small frame turned cruel as my knee gave out one year.

how could this be? how did i get here? my heart was obviously hurting. i feel so good on the inside and am horrified by the outside! as i began to realize my imbalanced state i truly looked into the mirror for the first time at myself. i was raised with a fear almost of femininity, so i began to play! what is all this outside nonsense cracked up to be? i discovered that wearing cute clothes made me feel better. i played with make up and razors. got my ears pierced (a couple times). in this discovery of outward beauty i flourished. i began to lose weight. people who knew me before as the sweet fat girl didn't even recognize me. i went to beauty college to learn how to give others this feeling. i wanted to transform those around me, help other people see that they could be beautiful too! while i was there though i became completely obsessed with the outside. my unbalanced state continued with the pendulum swinging from one extreme to the other. engrossed on my looks i completely forgot about the other side of the coin. my insides which once shone so blindingly bright were now dingy and cold.

my need for balance ensued as i became an alcoholic, smoker and complete moral prostitute selling away my inner virtues for the "right look". then i found out i was pregnant. my world shattered. how could i give life to someone so new and innocent when i myself was so foul. i miscarried the baby soon after i found out about it. my unhealthy lifestyle had poured death not life into my baby. shaken by this reality i look another long look into the mirror. there looking back at me was a very gorgeous woman. as i looked deeper i realized that there was no life in the hazel eyes that looked back at me. a blank stare was all that registered. this small snapshot of the woman in the mirror was erie. it was also life changing.

i have since rearranged my life. learning again the things that really matter. i no longer want to be the belle of the ball, but neither do i wish for an immaculate inner beauty. i seek balance,; spiritually, emotionally, mentally and physically. someday i might be there until then i remember this:

as i was washing those dishes i began cleaning a cup. i started on the inside scrubbing away the dirty residue. as i often do while washing dishes i let my mind wander, absentmindedly i began to rinse the cup and put it on the drying rack before i realised that i forgot to scrub the outside. laughing at myself i cleaned to outside as well. i thought what if i had a dinner party and served all my guests drinks in half clean glasses! "i know it looks dirty but i promise it's clean on the inside" i could hear myself saying. laughing i saw the parallel in my own life. for many years i tried passing off as clean on the inside but dirty on the outside, then the outside was clean but the inside forgotten.

as i gain confidence in my new state of existence i will ever be "cleaning" my inside and outside creating an ever delicate state of balance.

begin again

a new beginning. something everyone wishes for, but few have balls to actually turn the page. many chances can be taken...but a new beginning?! now that is RISKY! why take a new beginning when you can ride in the safety and uncomfortable normalcy of this bland existence you call your life.

when a chance for a better tomorrow presents itself why take it when you know exactly what tomorrow will really bring. psh... who needs happiness when disgruntled safety is sitting at your doorstep?

today i embark on a risky adventure. "one does not discover new lands with out consenting to lose sight of the shore for a very long time." andre gide. i say enough. i choose it all. i choose to drop my safety net and take a risk. honestly i am scared spit less. i have no clue what tomorrow will bring. it can be no worse than sitting in this mindless numbing moment of timeless eternity though.

i do know one thing for certain though. i can never say i didn’t try. no one can ever say that i wasn’t willing to take a risk.

one question remains: when you jump in clearly transparent, do you sink or swim?

only the passage of time will tell!

lily's

thrown into this chaos of life. someone chose...or didn't to bring you into it. trying hard to bring some sense to their own exhistence.
now here you stand.

the fan blows loudly, moving the hot thick air ever so slightly. is it even helping i wonder? my thoughts slowly merging from one place to another.

love.
such a small word yet so very big in reality. violent. full. passionate. throbbing. effortless. genteel. ironic. painful. threatening. life  changing.  momentous. fufilling.

here again i stand at the edge of the cliff. ready to jump as if that could save me. resolute in never falling again. yet the pull of the fall burns in my soul. my whole being yearns as if it knows this is what it was meant for. 

reality jerks me back. 
what is safe? 
standing here tense and jaded?
or falling into free niavity?
o that there would be a balance! my reservations are beating me. my desires strongly haunting me.
heavily i sigh.

think of you.

steadfast. bright. eager. strong. anchor. lifeline. willing. thoughtful. courageous. tender. fresh. handsome. debonaire. different.

in my dreams we jump together. the wind in our faces, carefree and happy.
the ever after.

this dreams shocks me awake. i have become resolute in unhappy. what would i do if things were right? i would adjust? what would it be like for someone to love so pure that it could fix me? to just let the eccentricies melt away and become her... the girl of your dreams.

goosebumps tingle over my whole being. even my soul stirs. locked away in its seemingly eternal night...it moves. maybe i can wake it! maybe the passion can be restored. 
i listen.
barely breathing.
gone.
the flicker is  gone. just a blip in a moment, already speeding away faster than it came to be.

i am me. overwhelming. enticing. lost in words. enchanting. epic. chaotic. difficult. thoughtful. dark and twisty. mutable. yearning. undiscovered. transparent.

if i let go.
if i fell.
would i melt away?
would the me that i feel safe with vanish? would i get lost in the adventure of it? so consumed in the us of it all that there is no me?
my i am astonished at the selfishness i have found.

so here i sit. 
at the edge.
searching into the unknown.
the vastness of this moment absolutly breathtaking. the raw energy of the wheels turning in my brain. the sheer emotion pressing into me. can i sit in this limbo forever? or must i come to a conclusion? this dark moment just before the dawn is emense in its solidarity.
i take a deep breath of it willing that the rise of the light of enlightenment might stay back a few more moments.

here i might just stay forever.

plucking the endless petals on a daisy she repeats over and over...he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not, i love him, i love him not...unsure of everything except the simple desire to be loved.

every sad ending is some other grand begining

if today was the end. 
tomorrow never came. 
the breath escaping my chest slowed to a halt. 
the steady rhythmic beat in my chest became sporadic and gently ceased. 
if the thoughts twisting in my head gave way to silence. 
if everything was finished. 

what would be my story? 
how would it be written? 
does the legacy i create daily create a ripple? 
have i done all that is needed? 
would i really rest in peace? 

there is still so much i have to say. 
still a passion waiting to be stirred in my soul. 
unfinished. 

so a new life breaks forth. 
here i go living today as if it were my last. 
yet planning as if i will live forever.

a haunting

pain
angst
fear 
the haunted

running forward
tears streaming
tired of looking back

breathing 
escaping
sinking
the haunted

told them all to listen
begged and pleaded with reason
words of remorse
pained to bring back the memories

speaking 
screaming
vocalizing
the haunted

selling out to a version of their truth
believing if i close my mind it will go away
living as if it never happened

lying
trying
forgetting
the haunted

until it breaks
the cycle begins anew
another life caught in the flood

failure 
double standards
missing
the haunted

truth. chaos. lies. broken spirits. no will to break free. triumphs small. travesty's consuming. afraid to fail. never good enough. falling victim once again. 

ending unseen
desperate to hope
looking for a miracle
i am the haunted

slightly off kilter

what does it take to be whole?
the insides are tearing apart.
a void does grow...
soon the chaos will consume the soul.

falling further still.
holding on to a moments hope.
one day the promise will be filled.
again going out for broke.

the poison seeping throughout.
the air grows cold to the breath.
mixing truth and reality.
yet still holding out.

the show is proving happy.
the reality is quite darker.
this moment the irony is crazy.
once again wishing for something larger.

there is something more. i feel it in my bones. in every breath i take. in the simple moments life becomes. its so complex. yet the cruelty shatters my being to the core. one day i might understand. one day i will feel worth more. one day i will be whole.

all i can do is keep breathing

there is so much around me. things constantly shifting and changing. new days creating beauty. old days being remembered. colors softly fading from one to another. so much happening. i should be in awe.

except i'm pale. living life as a shadow. wanting so much more yet can't begin to grasp it. my mind wishes for something to grasp. my heart gently begs for a new rhythm. i put a shell to my ear and hear the roar of an ocean i pull it back and take a look to see...nothing.

i know in my soul there is sooo much more. i know that my dream is waiting to be found. i know i'm still here for something. something unimaginable, something so great that alone i cannot fathom. some adventure waiting to be lived aloud.

all i know is there is a tomorrow. a chance. a moment when the yesterdays plus the todays will equal a passion untapped. a vision reformed. a beauty unearthed. a wholly new version of the ghost that has become me.

today i will keep breathing, waiting, hoping, wishing, dreaming.
today i survive.
today i am here.

unfolding brilliance

the more introspective i become

the deeper i look into the abyss that is my soul

the more i realize that i do not know myself

who am i? 

love hate sorrow joy learning loving breathing creating singing playful sick tired awkward breathtaking simple extravagant edgy luscious enigmatic graceful sinful pure hungry messy ocd anxious annoying timid extraverted epic solitary moving chaotic dreamy addicted board longing 

i am full.

i have so much in my head. 

when i write the cohesive element drifts away as i grasp for a solid thought.

i think in circles not in straight lines.

dizzily sometimes i make it from point a to point b.

other times i do not.

i am learning that the woman inside of me longing to break free,

is being held captive by the childlike version not wanting to let go.

seeking a tryst i wish to merge them into one.

and yet the duality rages.

i am lost in their confusion.

simply trying to break free.

will the real me please stand up?

will she become solid?

real?

this is the augustine adventure

one day i will be simply augustine.

tomorrow come hither!

116

Let me not to the marriage of true minds 

Admit impediments. 

Love is not love

Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.
Shakespeare 116

words so beautiful. moved to hope. upon testing it seems that the love i know is somewhat lacking. "love is not love which altars when it alteration finds" seems so simple. yet the reality of my days see another light. love is something that is given too easily and upon true test of life it breaks like a dried twig. maybe the ones i have chosen to love have not been right, but sometimes you cannot chose who you fall for. my own fear of pain fails me time and time again. i fall the hardest on those incapable of loving me when i need it the most. when i run away, when i fail, when i hurt. "or bends with the remover to remove: o no! it is an ever-fixed mark" all my life i will dream of someone who will back up action and words. who will cherish me when i am me. who will give everything to get me back when i run away. who will be steady in my chaos. 

one might think that this fairy tale will not have its happy ending. i should hope that you the reader will not assume that this princess does nothing but yearn to be loved. no she works, plays and lives with fullness and passion. her life in this moment is more than complete, yet once in a blue moon it hits, this desire to be loved. this captivating thought of living in another's arms. the beauty of someone giving their all. one day her prince will come, for she will not settle for anything else