truthfully me

i was contemplating the intricacies of beauty the other day as i was washing dishes. so many times people associate beauty as what you see on the outside, is your hair right? your make up perfect? your clothes the right brand?

growing up in an ultra conservative, right wing, home schooled family, i was raised with an emphasis on inner beauty. nothing was ever said about outer beauty though. i strove to cultivate my inner graces; honesty, trustworthiness, manners and grace. i tried to edit my posture and walk. trying to blend in with the outside world was always awkward for me. although i felt my beauty shining from within i could never see it in a mirror. i was awkward on the outside. in high school i quickly gained 60 pounds. the only time anyone mentioned my outer appearance was when i was eating. you can guess the negativity that transpired. i became afraid of eating publicly. i would eat small portions at meals and then scramble food away so i could eat in my room. i would never fall asleep at night until i had fed my void. i continued this downward spiral until i had reached an unhealthy 200 pounds for my 5'4" frame. i was humiliated by my appearance, but on the inside i was as beautiful as ever! my body image issues were continually compounded by a need for others to respect me. i was either completely ignored or quickly shut down in conversations.

there was absolutely no balance in my life. i became terrified of people. my inside and outside fighting a battle to be heard. as the days turned quickly into years i continued this cyclical journey. after i moved out of my parents and 2 years of college i had turned many fat cells into muscle, but the wear on my small frame turned cruel as my knee gave out one year.

how could this be? how did i get here? my heart was obviously hurting. i feel so good on the inside and am horrified by the outside! as i began to realize my imbalanced state i truly looked into the mirror for the first time at myself. i was raised with a fear almost of femininity, so i began to play! what is all this outside nonsense cracked up to be? i discovered that wearing cute clothes made me feel better. i played with make up and razors. got my ears pierced (a couple times). in this discovery of outward beauty i flourished. i began to lose weight. people who knew me before as the sweet fat girl didn't even recognize me. i went to beauty college to learn how to give others this feeling. i wanted to transform those around me, help other people see that they could be beautiful too! while i was there though i became completely obsessed with the outside. my unbalanced state continued with the pendulum swinging from one extreme to the other. engrossed on my looks i completely forgot about the other side of the coin. my insides which once shone so blindingly bright were now dingy and cold.

my need for balance ensued as i became an alcoholic, smoker and complete moral prostitute selling away my inner virtues for the "right look". then i found out i was pregnant. my world shattered. how could i give life to someone so new and innocent when i myself was so foul. i miscarried the baby soon after i found out about it. my unhealthy lifestyle had poured death not life into my baby. shaken by this reality i look another long look into the mirror. there looking back at me was a very gorgeous woman. as i looked deeper i realized that there was no life in the hazel eyes that looked back at me. a blank stare was all that registered. this small snapshot of the woman in the mirror was erie. it was also life changing.

i have since rearranged my life. learning again the things that really matter. i no longer want to be the belle of the ball, but neither do i wish for an immaculate inner beauty. i seek balance,; spiritually, emotionally, mentally and physically. someday i might be there until then i remember this:

as i was washing those dishes i began cleaning a cup. i started on the inside scrubbing away the dirty residue. as i often do while washing dishes i let my mind wander, absentmindedly i began to rinse the cup and put it on the drying rack before i realised that i forgot to scrub the outside. laughing at myself i cleaned to outside as well. i thought what if i had a dinner party and served all my guests drinks in half clean glasses! "i know it looks dirty but i promise it's clean on the inside" i could hear myself saying. laughing i saw the parallel in my own life. for many years i tried passing off as clean on the inside but dirty on the outside, then the outside was clean but the inside forgotten.

as i gain confidence in my new state of existence i will ever be "cleaning" my inside and outside creating an ever delicate state of balance.