cherry or was that strawberry?

i am thinking about transition. i feel as if i am at the bottom of a pool of jello, right now. i can vaguely see the outline of the ladder, there is a shadow of what looks like a rim, i move my head up and see a glowing pink cloud. i just want to get out of here. i feel stifled. stuck. immovable.

red jello sucks.
it is hard to see through.
it is even harder to move through.

i am transitioning in mind and soul into a new phase of life. my frustration of the new reality of my summer is slightly dissolving and i am trying to choke through new ideas and new possibilities. truth is, it's hard. i am still licking the wounds of what was to be. sitting at the bottom of this wiggly red pool, i thought i saw a vision in the clouds. i thought i had a plan to get myself out. i thought. past tense. today i think i will not give up on the idea of getting out of my jello pool, but by golly i will enjoy it while i am here. no i can't see into the future. no i do not know how or when i will get out of this place, but truth is, i feel safe here. when i move the whole pool moves too! i can bounce, jump and well quite honestly red jello is DELICIOUS!!

red jello is so delicious.
it wiggles and jiggles.
when you eat it you have to smile.

my pool is a place of safety, provided for healing and growth. my wings are not yet strong enough to fly. one day they will be and i will wish i had my wiggle room back. for now i will be content to enjoy the gift of safety and qualified freedom. today i will watch my pink clouds and enjoy the freedom to laugh. today is a great day.

a fog.

i am writing about love right now. its hard because i have such a jaded perspective on the subject, so i am procrastinating and taking a minute to push past the wounds and writers block to think about something that has been on my mind all day. maybe this will give perspective, maybe it will not. truth is, this is pressing deep on my soul, so i shall let it out. this may not even be a complete thought yet. we shall soon see.

vision.

today i had the chance to see the break of a new day. the weather here in falcon is always absurd, so there was no surprise when i looked out the window to see a rather wet and misty, thick fog. this fog did however take my guard down and reach into the deepest part of who i am to speak to me. i noticed the strangest things this morning, as i was met with a different view than i am used to. the trees were vivid. the houses striking. the country landscape was perfectly framed. as i passed a house with a barn by its side and a tractor gracing its front yard, i thought this yard was made simply for this moment in time. it was stunning. as a young girl stepping into womanhood, so to this yard had taken my breath away. i honestly have never seen the beauty of that yard before. as i sought the reason for this striking moment, why i noticed this house today and never think twice about it any other day, i was struck with the realization that only fog can bring: depth perception. the backdrop of this house is normally three or four other houses overshadowing it, causing you to look right past it and see only a crowded landscape. a busy backdrop.  the perimeter of my vision outshines the house at the forefront. simply, the fog took away all the excess, trimming away at the unnecessary abundance, creating a sparkling simplicity that overwhelmed my eyes.

the fog this morning caused me to see differently. there are a lot of things in my life that i have been worrying over the past few weeks, mainly what this upcoming year will look like. where to live, what school to go to, how to finance this decision to get an education, is this the right decision, etc. all these big things, looming over me are causing me to see only the future. my perimeter is out weighing the beauty of the center of my life. so i broke it down. today i have a place to stay, food in my stomach, enough money for this moment, strong women to share a day out with, everything i NEED to make today phenomenal. that thought brought a much needed smile to my face. i realized once again that today is all i have in reality. tomorrow may never come. i must face the simplicity of this moment and be mesmerized by this chance for life now. today is a gift. yes i will continue to plan, but those plans might change. yes i will see a bigger picture, but not lose sight of this sparkling moment i have been given.

i needed that. a change in perspective.

the second thing that will not leave me alone? 1 timothy 4:7-16

Have nothing to do with godless myths and old wives' tales; rather, train yourself to be godly. For physical training is of some value, but godliness has value for all things, holding promise for both the present life and the life to come.



This is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance (and for this we labor and strive), that we have put our hope in the living God, who is the Savior of all men, and especially of those who believe.


Command and teach these things. Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity. Until I come, devote yourself to the public reading of Scripture, to preaching and to teaching. Do not neglect your gift, which was given you through a prophetic message when the body of elders laid their hands on you.

Be diligent in these matters; give yourself wholly to them, so that everyone may see your progress. Watch your life and doctrine closely. Persevere in them, because if you do, you will save both yourself and your hearers.

this text has been written on my heart. for some reason i couldn't stop saying it all day long. flipping it over and over in my brain like a coin in my hand. word for word. by memory. anyone who knows me, knows that this, in and of itself, is a miracle. so i will do my very best to pull it apart, i'll check out the context of the passage and do a bit of exegetical study by going back into the greek. yes i will search out the meaning thoroughly, but i will also let it sit on my heart where i found it this morning.

today friends, has been glorious.
now i must be off to write about love.

breathless anticipation.

the air is thick and time stands still. the trees alert as if standing on edge, tense grey clouds fill the sky.

sparks begin flying, huge rods dancing from one end of my view to the other. sound and light not harmonizing, yet connected. a huge zig-zag blasts through the dark grey back drop, creating a web of light overwhelming my perception. the trees shake in anticipation of what is to follow.

one one-thousand
two one thousand
three one-thousand

i lose count. i can feel the electricity about to take my breath away. finally a slight low bass rolls through the air and hits my skin, vibrating to my inner core. i close my eyes and feel the sound hit just as the lightning did, fast and furious. shutters shake and windows shudder. even the floor and walls vibrate through the epicenter of this thrill. the sound waves hit my soul and roll past as if they were never there at all, leaving nothing but a memory of the massive power in its wake.

the sparkles and rumbles continue on. the confusion overwhelming at first glance, until you notice the intricacies. this storm wound tight unleashes its fervor as delicately as a dance.

motion.
   electric.
      vivid.
         emotion.
            tense.
               soothing.
                  brilliance.

imaginary imagery.


oh, so desperate for the storm i see, to come and wash over the desert that surrounds. my soul aches for the brilliant idea of a storm.

something-

anything, to shake me aware. i need a change in the air. rain to wash over me. sweet cleansing flood poor over this tired and thirsty soul. i look around, take in the three-sixty, see the storm raging. yet where i sit there is stillness, dry ground, and spring at a standstill until the water comes.

image copyrighted by melodie pruitt

eulogy

this is in remembrance of the way things were. an homage to things lost. a reflection of the way things were. nikki wrote an "i miss blog" a bit ago and i simply moved me. it made me remember, reflect and want to move on. unfortunately i live in the world of out of sight out of mind and sometimes i feel forgotten. i am learning though that, yes it is ok to miss things and people, but it is not ok to live in the past. so today i remember and today i move on.


i miss driving. i miss the windows rolled down and the music blasting through my ears with my arm floating freely on the wave of the wind.


i miss meeting people for coffee. i miss being able to get there early and ponder the conversation that will be and i miss staying after in wonder at the words and hearts just shared.


i miss coffee dates in general. i miss the art that is people watching, i miss talking to fellow believers about what GOD is showing them, i miss bucks. the coffee there is awesome.


i miss _tag on wednesday nights.


i miss being involved in a worship set that i know all the words to.


i miss "leading worship". i didn't really like choir all that much while i was in it, but there was something about standing with a group of people who were in absolute harmony, worshiping GOD with all that is within.


i miss prayer meetings where people actually pray...out loud.


i miss high view. i miss being able to discuss a sermon for an hour on the way home.


i miss having my own place.


i miss nina, belicia, maria, nathaniel daniel, megan and all of the other amazing people that i was just barely getting to know and haven't seen in MONTHS.


i miss working. not really the job i had, but i miss being able to accomplish a task set before me, and the money was nice to.


i miss walking to work. last year i saw every tree, flower, bush, and shrub, bud and blossom. it is happening now and i am missing it!


i miss my tiny garden. i learned so much last year through that patch of concrete, turned greenhouse.


i miss hugs.


i miss boba with my homies.


i miss elizabeth. i miss her baking. i miss being perplexed by her logic. i miss all of her straight lines. i miss sitting and watching her sports. i miss her beauty. i miss her strength. i miss out times of accountability.


i miss audrey. i miss our blossoming friendship. i miss her wisdom. i miss her beauty. i miss her worship. i am so astonished at the woman she is becoming and i am missing this transformation.


i miss becca. her wisdom, her style, her worship, her prayers, her accountability. mostly though, i miss her friendship.


i miss taylor. i miss his desperation for the LORD. i miss his passion for the lost. i miss his playful attitude.
but he is in germany, headed to africa so that makes it better.


i miss nikki. i miss the overhead light being on, so now i turn it on and pretend she is here. i miss late at night when we are half asleep and she talks, and talks, and talks, and talks, and talks, until one of us falls asleep. that is my favorite side of that girl.


i miss my mom. i used to be able to crash her house whenever i needed her and now i can't. i truly miss that.


i miss mrs billingslea and our lunch dates. when she speaks pearls of wisdom drip from her mouth. it is refreshing and astonishing


i miss chris. not that i don't get to see him often, but i miss how we used to be.


i miss wooree and her endless questions that made me think. her childlike view of the world brings astonishment to my life.


i miss the incline.


i miss the wind wisping through my hair and brushing gently on my skin, instead of picking my off my feet and trying to tear my clothes from me.


i miss how much community used to matter to me.


i miss community.


i miss late nights pondering about the character of GOD.


i miss all these things and more. some of this missing hurts deeply. some of it doesn't as much.


i know that i am here today, for a specific reason. i cannot live in the past because a new story is unfolding right before my eyes, AND I AM MISSING IT. i have been brought to this place in time, surrounded by amazing people for a specific reason. there is nothing GOD does that is done just for doing.


GOD is always intentional.
ALWAYS.


so, i will love where i am. i will take the opportunities that i have been given and i will enjoy every second. i am learning SO much here. i have a feeling that when my time is up here, i will miss it too.

brother.

this weekend i had the pleasure of hanging out with my 'lil bro josh! we had such a blast! the first day i was there, he had to go to school so we didn't much. After i picked him up from school we went to BOBA. oh how i love boba. we made a bit of a detour to audrey's house and then we decided to run to the store to grab a few things to decorate his room with. we ate dinner at la casita. i had never been and really enjoyed it! we settled into the couch and for the always amazing movie E.T. and he fell asleep halfway through! ha! the next morning i made breakfast:  

strawberry compote!

dutch boys!

put it together and bon appetit.

we spent the rest of the day as josh says: "diy-ing his room up". his room before was really just a room, so we added some josh flavor and made it a bit more homey. a place of his own to just be josh.

we got tons of red (because it happens to be his favorite) red sheets, red vinal, red corkboard, red everything! we brought out the spray paint and of course the mod-podge.

i think my favorite moments were when we went to palmer park and did a bit of hiking/bouldering. it was such abeautiful day and the mountains were soooooo vivid. i love nature as it brings a sense of wonder to me that nothing else really can.

we had to run off the trail when we saw the most random sight in a huge field of yucca's

yes friends, this is a fire hydrant, in a field, next to the middle of nowhere. super funny.

all in all i loved being able to spend time with one of my siblings. one on one time is so special and treasured when you grow up in a family of five kids. this kid is so amazing and i am truly proud of him! he is always gonna be my favorite brother. ;)

there is a knowing in my knower.

what is knowing?
i may know something, but do i actually KNOW it? what is the difference?


at church this sunday the paster made a reference to a friend of his who works on movie sets ( i'm sure that there was actually an i application for this story in his sermon and its obvious now that i was not paying attention.) this story paralleled two actors, one who meticulously memorized his line, know every intent of the english it was written in, had every nuance, inflection, emotion and pronunciation perfect. the other guy would get to set a tad early and tape his lines up on cards to various places on set and basically "wing it". 


both actors know their stuff. they are well crafted. at the end of the day they both get their check. the movie gets made. no one in the audience can tell otherwise.


but the reality is, one knew the lines, the other KNEW his lines.


as i ponder this, as i sit in wonder of this, as i stall once again, the reality hits deep. 


i know CHRIST,
but can i say that i actually KNOW HIM??


do i live my life with the view of heaven in mind? do i live my daily life with an impulse to please myself? or do i actually live as though i have been changed? can i say that i KNOW the one that i call my love? THE LOVE of my life? the ONE who has the lead as the hero in the epic poetry that consists of my life?


honestly? no. my poor attempts at knowing are not enough. my weak effort to pursue will not be enough. my pathetic whimpering at my so called sufferings will not cut it! this is not a tale of a damsel in distress, but more of a girl, standing at the front door of her house looking at her long lost lover through the peephole and refusing to throw the door open and run into his arms! all the while she is wondering why her efforts of intimacy are not working. no one will be patient long talking through a door darling! 


JESUS when questioned about the greatest commandment states in matthew 22: "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets."


how do i love? what does it mean to love someone mentally, emotionally and even down deep to the depths of my soul? is this something that i can even attain?


i don't think that this was ever meant to be a one sided deal. if you think of any love story there always MUST be response on both sides or there is no growth in the relationship. if indeed then, i believe that JESUS is real. that he died and that he is alive to this day, then i must begin to act like it! friends, i know that we have in our sights social justice and freedom for the captives, but are we forgetting the reality of the one we first love? the one that gives us the ability to help the homeless the hopeless and the forgotten?


today i beg to remember. today i hope that my eyes will be opened. there is nothing without CHRIST. there is no point in even trying to be "good" or to walk with a vision if HE is not at the forefront. if there is no knowing, intimately,  of the one who loves me, then i am a fool. i believe that it is time to put some foundation where my feet stand. who was HE? this man who lived in galilee. the one for which i will put my hope, security, reason, dignity, strength, mind and future in? the one who lived as a man and died as a tortured soul. the one who took death by storm and overcame that which is coming for us all.


yes i am firm, resolute even, in this decision. my faith does not waiver, because it is not mine to control. i also understand that standing on a wisp of love will never satisfy my hunger, nor will it bring glory to the one i desire. 


i must know more.
i must KNOW more. 

decisions

ever since i was a small child, i have had a problem making decisions. when faced with even the smallest of choices, my heart will begin to race so fast that my chest feels like it will cave in. the resounding thud-thud, thud-thud, in my ears overpowers any ability to hear much else. my face gets hot and begins to redden and burn, causing the allover temperature of my skin to spike resulting in a system wide sweat breakout. the dizzy spins come on as my head swells from the blood rushing to it and i have to sit down, smoothing away the moisture from my clammy palms.

JUST BREATHE.

phew!! this is so overwhelming, just reading back on it. this is what happens when i am trying to decide what to order off a fast food menu. imagine all this expounded and amplified when the weight of the decision rises or the price point sky-rockets.

for the past two and a half weeks now i have been regularly working out with suzan and melodie. as each workout progresses, it becomes more and more obvious that my five year old, pro spirit, walmart, tennis shoes were no longer cutting it. they were in fact hindering my ability to workout well. i kept pushing off the idea that i would have to buy a new pair, but the reality hit that it was time to "man up" as it were and make a decision. i told suzan and as we already had a trip to the mall planned we decided to go to the store then.

now normally i will go to the store numerous times and take an excessive amount of time researching and doing brand comparisons. i also will narrow my choices down online before it is time to purchase so that i am not overwhelmed in the store. this time i did nothing. i walked into the store with the idea that i might not even make it out with a pair if i got too overwhelmed.

side note: if this was someone else’s blog, i would at this point, pause, sit
back in my chair and say (most likely out loud) "my goodness! all this for a
pair of shoes?" since this is my own blog and i didn't have a bigger picture in
mind as it unfolded, i will unfortunately have to respond with "yes. all this
over a pair of shoes."

continuing on, this is what happened. i walked in with suzan and was instantly overwhelmed. i looked around the store for a bit to survey what was to come and was faced with the “mountain of sale shoes" “and the ever imposing “wall of regular priced shoes". *insert alfred hichcock type scary music here.

as i walked in circles for a bit, only adding to the dizziness that was pressing in, i finally whispered to suzan “i don't know what to do!” she chuckled a bit and said, "well try some on!"

ha, right!
step one: try on shoes.
step two: walk in them.
step three: pick out your favorite one, in your price range and...PURCHASE!

i honestly cannot tell you how long we were there. it felt like hours though it probably was only twenty minutes.


yes, my head spun.

my hands got clammy.
my nose even started running.
my chest closed up.
my back was covered in sweat.

but you know what?

I MADE A DECISION!

i walked out with a ultra comfortable, sturdy, great for working out in, perfect for hiking in, made for women by women pair of shoes.

they are exactly what i needed and very long overdue. as i write this i remember that last year i even said i needed new shoes, but because i couldn't make a simple choice my feet suffered dearly for it. i almost lost both of my big toenails to the brutal torture of my shoes combined with the manitou springs incline last summer.


BUT,
i am learning.
i am healing.
i will get better at this

today i am faced with different decisions
what should i get with my TOMS gift card that i received for Christmas?
what should i study in school? <--this decision i have put off for almost ten years now!
what am i doing this summer?
where am i going to live this coming year?
what ministry should i be committing to?
what church should i be calling home?
what kind of job should i be applying for?

these decisions terrify me.
these decisions will not own me.

as i see these big, life defining moments ahead of me, i will remember my shoes. yes, these are not easy choices to be made, but i know that just because something is hard, does not make it unworthy of doing. so i will choose, and i will be better for it. it will be tough and i might sweat a bit, but i will make it through all the better for it. i will leave you with this reminder from psalm 139 about the character of the GOD i serve, because it has been haunting me of late:

O LORD, you have searched me and known me! You know when I sit down and when I
rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar. You search out my path and my lying
down and are acquainted with all my ways. Even before a word is on my tongue,
behold, O LORD, you know it altogether. You hem me in, behind and before, and
lay your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high; I
cannot attain it. Where shall I go from your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from
your presence? If I ascend to heaven, you are there! If I make my bed in Sheol,
you are there! If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost
parts of the sea, even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall
hold me. If I say, "Surely the darkness shall cover me, and the light about me
be night," even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is bright as the day,
for darkness is as light with you.

For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.

How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them!
If I would count them, they are more than the sand. I awake, and I am still with you.

Search me, O God, and know my heart!
Try me and know my thoughts!
And see if there be any grievous way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

i still don't know why this is hard for me. it is probably some old wound that i have yet to face. i am realizing though that sometimes you don’t need to know. sometimes the healing comes from moving forward.

onward i go, oh and for your information and i have a pair of TOMS headed my way as i post this!

what if we were made for freedom?

truth serum

life.
life is crazy.
there are so many twists and turns on this journey, that i cannot even believe the reality that comes with it at times. there is so much to say about the past and the future. the path that brought me to where i stand today and the journey i am on to the end of my days.
but that is not for today.

today.
today i sit and ponder. today i take another step away from the eternal pressure to "do" and i direct my thoughts on the person of "being" that i am. who would have ever thought worth could be found, not in the job i have, the car i drive (thankfully), the persona that i have created for you to see, or the pursuit of the american dream.

no friends, my worth is found in TRUTH.
oddly enough truth hurts. sometimes pain is what will trigger a passionate pursuit of something real though. it certainly was the case for me. i will never be able to say that pain is fair or that pain is anything i would wish upon anyone. pain is what caught my attention, what finally made me say aloud "there must be something more!?!"

pain is what made me ask questions. questions that hurt. the kind that attacked my dignity, morals and even my family. these hard questions were life changing. i didn't stop asking when someone didn't know. i kept searching. i kept seeking. i keep searching. i keep seeking. through all that, i found some things hard to swallow, but just because there is a hard pill to take, doesn't mean it is any less good for you.

truth will shock you at times. it will shift your reality, because often times we create our perception of reality by what we think we know, not by what is true. truth will perhaps, be hard to find. it doesn't mean you stop, give up or leave your perceptions as they are. truth is always worth finding, always worth defending and just because it's hard does not make it bad.

today.
today i look forward and see a future of hope, happiness, peace and strength (not without the crescendo of many a stormy hardship), and love. do i have every question answered? no. am i still asking them? you betcha.