decisions

ever since i was a small child, i have had a problem making decisions. when faced with even the smallest of choices, my heart will begin to race so fast that my chest feels like it will cave in. the resounding thud-thud, thud-thud, in my ears overpowers any ability to hear much else. my face gets hot and begins to redden and burn, causing the allover temperature of my skin to spike resulting in a system wide sweat breakout. the dizzy spins come on as my head swells from the blood rushing to it and i have to sit down, smoothing away the moisture from my clammy palms.

JUST BREATHE.

phew!! this is so overwhelming, just reading back on it. this is what happens when i am trying to decide what to order off a fast food menu. imagine all this expounded and amplified when the weight of the decision rises or the price point sky-rockets.

for the past two and a half weeks now i have been regularly working out with suzan and melodie. as each workout progresses, it becomes more and more obvious that my five year old, pro spirit, walmart, tennis shoes were no longer cutting it. they were in fact hindering my ability to workout well. i kept pushing off the idea that i would have to buy a new pair, but the reality hit that it was time to "man up" as it were and make a decision. i told suzan and as we already had a trip to the mall planned we decided to go to the store then.

now normally i will go to the store numerous times and take an excessive amount of time researching and doing brand comparisons. i also will narrow my choices down online before it is time to purchase so that i am not overwhelmed in the store. this time i did nothing. i walked into the store with the idea that i might not even make it out with a pair if i got too overwhelmed.

side note: if this was someone else’s blog, i would at this point, pause, sit
back in my chair and say (most likely out loud) "my goodness! all this for a
pair of shoes?" since this is my own blog and i didn't have a bigger picture in
mind as it unfolded, i will unfortunately have to respond with "yes. all this
over a pair of shoes."

continuing on, this is what happened. i walked in with suzan and was instantly overwhelmed. i looked around the store for a bit to survey what was to come and was faced with the “mountain of sale shoes" “and the ever imposing “wall of regular priced shoes". *insert alfred hichcock type scary music here.

as i walked in circles for a bit, only adding to the dizziness that was pressing in, i finally whispered to suzan “i don't know what to do!” she chuckled a bit and said, "well try some on!"

ha, right!
step one: try on shoes.
step two: walk in them.
step three: pick out your favorite one, in your price range and...PURCHASE!

i honestly cannot tell you how long we were there. it felt like hours though it probably was only twenty minutes.


yes, my head spun.

my hands got clammy.
my nose even started running.
my chest closed up.
my back was covered in sweat.

but you know what?

I MADE A DECISION!

i walked out with a ultra comfortable, sturdy, great for working out in, perfect for hiking in, made for women by women pair of shoes.

they are exactly what i needed and very long overdue. as i write this i remember that last year i even said i needed new shoes, but because i couldn't make a simple choice my feet suffered dearly for it. i almost lost both of my big toenails to the brutal torture of my shoes combined with the manitou springs incline last summer.


BUT,
i am learning.
i am healing.
i will get better at this

today i am faced with different decisions
what should i get with my TOMS gift card that i received for Christmas?
what should i study in school? <--this decision i have put off for almost ten years now!
what am i doing this summer?
where am i going to live this coming year?
what ministry should i be committing to?
what church should i be calling home?
what kind of job should i be applying for?

these decisions terrify me.
these decisions will not own me.

as i see these big, life defining moments ahead of me, i will remember my shoes. yes, these are not easy choices to be made, but i know that just because something is hard, does not make it unworthy of doing. so i will choose, and i will be better for it. it will be tough and i might sweat a bit, but i will make it through all the better for it. i will leave you with this reminder from psalm 139 about the character of the GOD i serve, because it has been haunting me of late:

O LORD, you have searched me and known me! You know when I sit down and when I
rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar. You search out my path and my lying
down and are acquainted with all my ways. Even before a word is on my tongue,
behold, O LORD, you know it altogether. You hem me in, behind and before, and
lay your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high; I
cannot attain it. Where shall I go from your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from
your presence? If I ascend to heaven, you are there! If I make my bed in Sheol,
you are there! If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost
parts of the sea, even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall
hold me. If I say, "Surely the darkness shall cover me, and the light about me
be night," even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is bright as the day,
for darkness is as light with you.

For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.

How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them!
If I would count them, they are more than the sand. I awake, and I am still with you.

Search me, O God, and know my heart!
Try me and know my thoughts!
And see if there be any grievous way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

i still don't know why this is hard for me. it is probably some old wound that i have yet to face. i am realizing though that sometimes you don’t need to know. sometimes the healing comes from moving forward.

onward i go, oh and for your information and i have a pair of TOMS headed my way as i post this!

what if we were made for freedom?

truth serum

life.
life is crazy.
there are so many twists and turns on this journey, that i cannot even believe the reality that comes with it at times. there is so much to say about the past and the future. the path that brought me to where i stand today and the journey i am on to the end of my days.
but that is not for today.

today.
today i sit and ponder. today i take another step away from the eternal pressure to "do" and i direct my thoughts on the person of "being" that i am. who would have ever thought worth could be found, not in the job i have, the car i drive (thankfully), the persona that i have created for you to see, or the pursuit of the american dream.

no friends, my worth is found in TRUTH.
oddly enough truth hurts. sometimes pain is what will trigger a passionate pursuit of something real though. it certainly was the case for me. i will never be able to say that pain is fair or that pain is anything i would wish upon anyone. pain is what caught my attention, what finally made me say aloud "there must be something more!?!"

pain is what made me ask questions. questions that hurt. the kind that attacked my dignity, morals and even my family. these hard questions were life changing. i didn't stop asking when someone didn't know. i kept searching. i kept seeking. i keep searching. i keep seeking. through all that, i found some things hard to swallow, but just because there is a hard pill to take, doesn't mean it is any less good for you.

truth will shock you at times. it will shift your reality, because often times we create our perception of reality by what we think we know, not by what is true. truth will perhaps, be hard to find. it doesn't mean you stop, give up or leave your perceptions as they are. truth is always worth finding, always worth defending and just because it's hard does not make it bad.

today.
today i look forward and see a future of hope, happiness, peace and strength (not without the crescendo of many a stormy hardship), and love. do i have every question answered? no. am i still asking them? you betcha.

hope?

i have been deeply moved by the thought of hope recently.
what is hope?
dictionary.com says that hope is:

–noun
1.the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best: to give up hope.
2.a particular instance of this feeling: the hope of winning.
3.grounds for this feeling in a particular instance: There is little or no hope of his recovery.
4.a person or thing in which expectations are centered: The medicine was her last hope.
5.something that is hoped for: Her forgiveness is my constant hope.
–verb (used with object)
6.to look forward to with desire and reasonable confidence.
7.to believe, desire, or trust: I hope that my work will be satisfactory.
–verb (used without object)
8.to feel that something desired may happen: We hope for an early spring.
9.Archaic. to place trust; rely (usually fol. by in).

hope is a state of mind then? as if putting all your good thoughts toward something will make it better? i began to ponder the hope of people. what do people live for?

• i see women who give up family and friends for their careers in hope that becomming successful will help them feel something.
• i see men who give up their respectiblilty for hope of a "good time".
• i see children who hope for a better futere than they ever had.
• i see people who have given up all hope and are sinking this great ship we call life.
• i see people put hope in all types of currency; sex, drugs, booze, parties, work, pornography, gaming, shopping, and any other thing that can be associated with obsession or addiction.
  

these things i believe are unintentional. no one as a second grader makes a resolution to his teacher that when he grows up he will be a sex addict and let that run his life to the point of losing his family, his job or even his sanity and freedom. what about the women who try and compete with the sick and twisted standard that this pornography addicted country has set for them? the idea for beauty now parrallels with what is going on at hugh heffner's mansion instead of what is beautiful on the inside. you are beautiful, if you have the right jimmy choo shoes, the bi-weekly blowout, the perfect waistline, the darkest tan, as much plastic surgery as you cannot afford, and a heart of stone. this is what your beauty is always judged by. there is nothing worse than the uncontrolable urge to be accepted.

the dark side of these stories is that worth has become a mere issue of control. we lie to ourselves: "if i can find the perfect high or become the most beautiful or find the most satisfying partner, then i will be happy. then i will have hope, then i can live with myself" i have said this before, but i believe the worst lie is the one you tell yourself.

have you ever felt complete? in all the searching has man ever felt enough? full? satisfied? the proverbial fountain of youth leaves much to be desired, as the fountain always leaves you thirstier than when you first sipped that "magical" liquid. sounds like too many are still searching for something to be lived for, something that will fill the ever expanding black hole of the soul. in all our philosophies and religions you would think that someone might soon shout EUREKA!

so i ask again, what is hope?

a wise man once said, that eternity has been put into the hearts of man. there is something deeper here, than a race for significance. there is a quiet desperation that we try to delete from our lives. you don't believe me? go into any bar in the city and look into the eyes of the guy at the and of the bartop. his eyes are dead. there is no life. there is nothing on this earth that will ever satisfy. his worth cannot be found, so he has given up. he sits at the bar hoping against all hope that there will be some sort of solace in the muffle of the alcohol. he will never be able to drink enough. although this desperation is quiet it will eat at you untill you fill it.

there is something deep inside of every man, woman and child that requires us to hope. it will push our limits untill we die. it will press us to keep looking untill we can find it. i have tried many things in my short life to try and fill this immesurable hole. some look at my life and see the patterns of addiction as a form of self-destruction, but i know there is more to it. there is a deep and passionionate need in my life to be without this quiet desperation. i require more in my life to live.

the question i put forth today is not a rhetorical one. i want you to look inside, deeply and ask yourself these questions: what are you living for? what is the hope that you put your entire being upon? what is the ideology that you are resting your soul, your worth, and your future on?

there are more ponderings on hope to come. but i am going to sit here for a bit. i am looking into my own heart, soul and desires to see if my hope is secure. what are my motivations for being? if you are hopeless, please i beg of you to ask yourself these questions. if you have hope, do you actually trust it to the point of death?

i haven’t really written in awhile. there is SOOO much to say.

i have been soaking it all in and now i feel full. it is time to empty, time to give, time to let out, time to unload.

nikki is leaving.
chris and mel are dating.
i remembered that i have more in common with my sister hannah then i thought.
i have been pondering the thoughts of understanding. i seek to know. i have this never ending desire to know the why’s to the world.
i am finding that sometimes the understanding gets in the way of the one who gives understanding.
i am learning to listen. by not just hearing with my head, but listening deeply, with my heart.
i am seeking my motives in the desire i have to mission. there is a DEEP yearning in my soul to go and share. but then i remember that my one and only true calling is to love the giver of all my desires, with all my heart, mind, soul and strength. after that all else falls into place.

take this amazing adventure i am on. there is no possible way that an alcoholic, who deals with anger issues and cannot commit to life because of fear, could ever get to the place that i am today.
i feel myself.
i feel loved.
i feel right.
i feel.
i never had the chance to feel before. before i tried everything i could to NEVER feel. funny thing is, now that i have begun to feel i see that this is a journey that is only beginning. i always saw that stopping for a bit and dealing with my reality would be scary, unbearable and unhealthy. today i realize that was a lie. there is so much good that i could never have lived in, never have tasted, never have seen if i had kept going on the path that i had chosen.

on my journey Someone intercepted me and told me the truth. i was on the hard way. i was on the long route and that ultimately the path i was on went straight to death. somehow i was shown a different path. and i will be forever thankful. today i am living life. i am alive. i am becoming healthy. i am loving deeply.

there are many more thoughts to purge but for now that is a good bit to chew on.

life.

oh and just an fyi, the sunset tonight was mind-blowing! i got to watch it and type at the same time. oh the glorious joy's of living in falcon. i can't believe i get to live this life.

the air is light today.

i woke up and i knew it was here even before i looked out the window.
i had already heard the chirp of the birds, seen them painstakingly rebuilding their nests in the garden, confidently puffing their chests and ruffling their feathers at their mates.
i had seen the faintest of greens on a tree near the house and upon further inspection saw that it was true...

GREEN buds. the first bit of new growth slowly pushing it's way back into the world.

i woke up and smelled it in the air.

spring is here.

today i took my sweater off.
today there was a small skip in my step.
today there was a strange desire to go outside and soak up the sun.
today i felt the joy of returning to my first love.

when you look up the word “first" in webster's pocket dictionary you will find the definition it begins with is not one referring to time. you will, however see the definition: "before all others".

before you were born.
before your need for air.
before the love for yourself.
before the desire to satisfy.
before your "first" love.
before all others.

GOD.

once again. HE is ultimate in his love for us, although the desire we have to run away is great. the reality i understand in dealing with humans is that love fails. every time. over and over.
the vivid picture of truth that haunts me is that GOD is real. GOD has loved me before i knew what love was. GOD sees me as i truly am. and does more than i could ever understand or see to help me love HIM.

i love spring.

it reminds me that the death of winter has no full hold on this dim world. it reminds me that beauty is in EVERYTHING whether i see it today or not. it astonishes me with life in places i had given over to death. there is rhythm in the way the old passes and the new emerges. the ancient song bursting literally out of the ground and into the existence of our dry and cold reality. today i will look for the flower, even though there is not one yet. why? because i know it's coming, i know it will be soon and i also know that beauty always comes before the fruit.

diet.

as vitamins are to my daily food intake
so shall social networking be to my relationships.

folks i'm on a diet.

i'm going to go and take a DEEP breath of reality and live in the natural.

i promise to call you if i want to say hi.
i will make you a real card for your birthday.
i will sit over coffee or a meal and oooh and ahhh over your new pictures.
i will send my thoughts to you over "snail mail" and the ever archaic phone convo (maybe even an e-mail??).

i am praying over the decision to delete my facebook and twitter.
i promise an occasional update here and there while i still have them.
i will NOT be checking these daily.
meanwhile can i have your e-mail address, real life address, and if you want a phone call your digits!

if you need me feel free to contact me any other way than facebook and twitter.
augustinelive@gmail.com
sorry i will not post my phone number over the internet. :/
we can start with an email and go from there!

ahh i feel the fresh air already!

being worship.

today the world has paused.
i am sitting in silence.
no ambient noise to distract,
no stress to discourage.
today i worship.
i am worshiping with appreciation,
drawing,
bow making,
simplicity.
today i worship with my life.

worship is not the production i could create.
today it is in the breaths i take,
in the smile i make
and in the creative freedom i have found.
worship is simple:
stand in awe of the one who gave this life to me.
today i pause and find worship in the being not the doing.